On Earth Again
The "pedestrian daily life" was beginning for me again. I would spend the days by letting Mrs L. practice in a variety of concentrations while observing her. I would instruct her that her "spirit" should not go ahead of her body when she remembered or intended something and went there physically. I would also stop her reflections and have her be forgetting immediately the piece of knowledge that emerged in her mind as a result of concentration or meditation. I would advise her on the ways of renouncing the world and retaining mental activity. Thereby I was preparing her for the further journey on which she should take again a firm grip of things of her life.
She was leaving for a spa to take the waters and I was also assigned a sojourn it the same health resort. I saw it as an opportunity for enforcing a more specialized progress. She was in my opinion well prepared, for she had been in the spa four weeks before my arrival.
I craved for finishing her development under my guidance and I could not find a better way than to try to expel the animal heat out of her body. But there were only two days for me to do the whole job, as her family were to come to see her and, besides, formalities and other odds and ends I had to attend to took me some time. Two days were simply too short time despite the knowledge I had. In my view, four or five days were needed to accomplish the task and so I was disgusted by her family’s visit. Nevertheless, I promised Mrs L. during the first talk to help her, however the circumstances should develop.
At the beginning I gave myself to her concentration practice. I would advise her on the currents that were appearing [in her body] during the concentration but I refused to talk about one particular current. She would point it out to me by asking me directly but I hesitated to give her an answer. When eventually she began to suspect what kind of current it was, I said innocently it was passion.
The lightning struck. An insoluble situation was looming up before her, but I laughed. She deduced from it she had a chance after all…
But I was dead sure of all that concerned her spiritual state. The fact is that passion is a problem of everybody who takes the self-transformation seriously. Thus I gave a thought to an idea that it would be best to help her in some other way. I precalculated exactly her reaction and then decided to stroke her face outside in front of the hotel.
It was quite a shock for her, and sinister future was looming before her eyes. But the day of departure, mine, hers and her daughter’s, came closer, and so she was dejectedly entering, willy-nilly, the "civil" life again.
For me everything remained unchanged. I was thinking about the inner problems connected with the realizations and about the shadows of bad future. At the same time I was devoting my time to Mrs L. Eventually I regarded her prepared and so decided to undertake a radical action.
I took her somewhere on the spiritual level and seated her among gods. "Her being needs purifying", I decided.
The gods responded in some other way.
"She stinks", they opposed.
As I had to go in for another job, I repeated my wish that she stayed there very strongly. And then I ran again to smother fires in the realm of causes; so bad was the situation in my view.
A few days later, as I concluded that she could already be cleansed through the influence of the world of Devatadevic realm), I went to pick her up. To my question how she looked the gods (Devata) replied she was very pleasant and so I should leave her there. But I took her by the hand and lead her out of the sphere of gods to where it was necessary to do something from higher yoga.
I was myself in brighter tensions then, I would often visit celestial spheres and stabilized their light here on earth in the crevices of Darkness. I was permanently on the verge of physical death, and did not want to fall to her arms without resistance, a resistance that is denoted as "standing upright". And so, during one of my journeys, where there was a nice view of the remote hills over the valleys, countless hordes of white spirits towered up from the ground over the horizon. Finally I succeeded in solving that situation, too, and then I could be concerned with the tensions I was in.
Otherwise I would not take much notice of things around me. That is why it escaped my attention in which psychic states my wife was, who - because she had meddled in the realization processes previously mentioned - was receiving all those tensions.
As I began to mark her states, I had to quickly consider how to solve that new and very intricate situation. I took account of all personal and impersonal factors and explained the whole matter to her. But she was simply too weak to give her "vehicle of life" a new departure. And I was at a critical stage at the same time…
I had before me someone who had become mad as early as seven years ago, and I bore in mind that it was only me who could help. But I was training another person in the mystical course and expected significant things from the realization of that disciple. What should do? Well, I had no solution in my hands…
I insisted on Mrs L. to give up on her family at once, because if she had done it she would have finished the whole mystic course and I would have been freed for other tasks. She did not manage to do that, for I requested that she renounced [her family] immediately and instantaneously. I could not actually intermix two heterogeneous things. And then, my wife was already sinking into the mental darkness for the second time in her life.
So I was standing there as if with my hands tied and could only look on how the fate was going to develop by its laws. At the same time I was complaining about the "made-up mystical progress" that Mrs L. had introduced at a dangerous point, owing to which I had to remain helplessly in a matter in which I could have surely done something under other circumstances.
One day I came home after a heated dialogue with Mrs L., which had concerned her absolute disengagement from her family ties, so that I could be freed for solving my own problems. But my wife’s guise indicated that she was falling into a dark night of senses.
"Those dovelets there in the picture are my senses", she said.
I became anxious. So I wanted her to count to five.
"One, two, … - I don’t know…"
I felt more worried.
I have to do something, I thought. So the next day we went to see a known psychiatrist who unfortunately said they had no women’s ward in their clinic.
So I phoned then to Brno (CZ-city); they told me we could come at once.
We get ready for the journey, my wife shall wash, but she puts soap into her mouth instead of using it for washing. So I freshened her up by myself and asked Dr. K. to take us there by car. He promised to give us a ride only for a part of the journey; then we should take a train. But before we got to the railway station, my wife did not recognize anything at all. Only once during the long journey her consciousness flashed: "Where are we going so long?"
It was no use replying to her. And the situation obviously indicated that it was impossible to go by train. We arrived at the place; I did not feel like explaining anything to Dr. B., and so we delivered her directly to psychiatry.
While an examination report was written, she was sitting apathetically, only plucking at the coats of those who were passing by. Those were the darkest moments of my life if I should assess a situation that concerned directly my person.
Then they were drawing up an anamnesis [HPI = history of present illness]. All I could see was – only useless things. I knew her mental state so much that the doctors are not able to know [about this kind of diseases]. And I am talking about the doctors who, in their highest interest in this sort of diseases, do research into them and come to find something that seems to explain the root of these disorders. Yes. What we are talking about is a psychic and karmic incongruity that would be possible to eliminate with certain mental pressures (but with no hypnosis, of course); under such circumstances the disease would be cured completely and without unfavourable replies in other parts of the organism. – And the patient?
The diagnosis said she had a psychosis on a depressive background. From the karmic point of view, this is the worst thing one can be stricken with. Death in such a case means simultaneously wiping out of the cosmos.
I wonder if you my wife, who have so far thrown in your life with me, come back from this truly deep abyss, out of which the return seems to me impossible. So long have you occupied your mind with the pain, to which something unchangeable has impelled you, that you sank there where you have not deserved to sink. And me, I am standing here, powerless to do anything to help you, because I know that a lower entity must submit to a higher one, either voluntarily or unwillingly.
Now I have to put you into the hands of doctors whom I do not trust, because they, from what they see, come to the conclusion that human is just a mechanism, the friction parts of which can become sliding with the help of just several pills or – as in your case – with electric shocks. I stand in terror of this sort of dilettantism, incompetence that seems to be science because it may, now and then, pick up on the scrap heap of human life some immediate, from the universal perspective, however, very contentious, achievements…
But we are in the world of humans, so neither could I do in this situation anything else but crush your mental complexes with electric voltage. And so I am leaving you wife here, in good faith that the doctors will, more or less, cure you, which Lord has actually confirmed me, too…
Then I returned home with ripening conviction that I would have to arrange things in a different way than they had been by then. I left the household to the "air" and to my mother, whom I, under those circumstances, invited to me, and then I commenced my yoga, which was in a way busy, somewhere else.
About three weeks after I had taken my wife to Brno, I went to visit her. Two keepers were pushing her forward out of the ward to the corridor where I stood and she, obviously terrified, was marching forward before them. She could not recognize me, only in short flashes she did, but then, suddenly, she began to look about herself, catching me at my hands and shouted: "They beat me here!!" [Actually the beating she referred to proved to be the treatment with electric shocks.]
Dr. B. told me it was no use coming to see her. Nevertheless, I would come from time to time, until one day, after three months or so, she greeted me with a smile on her face and – being absolutely sensible. A roommate of hers, looking entirely sane, told me:
"Your wife? – She’s all right, but me…" And then, when going with my wife home, I reminded her of that woman, and she told me: "In an unguarded moment she smashed a window pane with her bare hands and slashed her wrists. So she was put in a straitjacket."
As she pronounced the story so calmly, she stuck a sharp knife of pain in my chest. And it flashed through my mind: A frightful sanatorium with frightening patients. Horrors deaden every patient so much that one calmly says even the most appalling things.
In other respects, my wife became easily irritated. She got angered that I did not bring to her leaving the hospital this and that, in particular her decorations – the ring and the brooch. That was a new trait in her character, but I acclaimed it, as I expected it to counterbalance the depressive states of hers. I was even encouraging that new peculiarity of her character then. Thus I had a "great lady" at home for quite a long time. But that situation came also to an end finally.
A few years after her disease she began to realize again the value of her mystical heart, so that there were again chances arising for her to resume the realization process that had been interrupted by her butting in "my mysticism" out of her jealousy. She could have become that jealous only because within such a short period that elapsed between the onset of her realization and the beginning of everything she reacted to, the flower of spiritual perfection she wore within could not ripen. Thus the real enemy of hers was actually time…
I myself began avoiding home ever since. I made it just a place of my visits. I considered a wiser decision to leave my wife in stormy waves of the permanent loneliness. The solitude had really that influence on her, but that too, has now been getting better. It may be that my presence at home would be in the final consequences worse and I did not want to make sure that my opinion was correct. Actually, some time later, when a chronic inflammation of nerves in the upper cervical spine, so-called cervical-cranial syndrome with secondary affection of arteries of brainstem and cerebellum, seized her breathing centre, Dr. B. recommended speeding her climacteric and, thereby accelerating what improved strongly her relatively good condition. After that treatment she was calmer and began to get accustomed to loneliness. During my random examination of her mental and psychic condition in my meditations, I began feeling something like an inner stabilization of hers.
From the mystical point of view, Mrs L. was still advancing. But nothing significant happened, until one day:
I lived in a log cabin at one place. With Mrs L. and other friends I made an appointment in Hradec Kralove where Mrs L. should come from the spa where she had taken a cure again. It was planned for Sunday. But on Friday afternoon I felt tired so I lay down to take a little nap. I fell asleep for two minutes or so and had a dream. At the place where I saw the seven burning coal heaps during my first realization I met Mrs L. She did not look well and told me: "So now I am going to hospital and then it will be good again."
"Are you going to the clinic in Hradec?" I asked.
She made a slight movement, something like a slight shake of her head and – I woke up.
When I was up, I was overcome with strong unease. What I would like to do best was to go immediately to see her at the spa, but I did not want to arouse her displeasure that some unknown man visits a married woman at spa. So I waited restlessly till the next day, Saturday, when I went to Hradec Kralove, one day earlier then I should – owing to unease.
As I was in Hradec Kralove I visited a friend of mine at his office and pronounced a doubt that Mrs L. might turn up, as I had that inauspicious dream. Then Dr. K. really phoned that Mrs L. was not coming because she had fever. She might arrive a couple of days later, the telegram continued.
I asked Dr. K. to take me with his car to the spa; he was supposed to prepare the car, and I should come by trolleybus in the meantime…
We were on the way and any speed the car could reach seemed too low to me. When we arrived at the spa, I ran quickly to Mrs L’s ward, but she was not there any more. They told me she had been taken home by ambulance.
"Let’s go and track them," I told Dr. K. We set off at once for the journey. As we were near N., the sky blacked out with thick clouds. Torrents of water began to pour down in the next moment and made the visibility on the road impossible. But we went on in spite of that bad visibility. At the same time I resolved: This weather is symbolic. Then I watched the sky carefully. There was literally a wall of black clouds on the left side. I concluded that if they rolled over us, Mrs L’s crisis would be fatal. The next instant streams of rain were falling from those clouds down on the left car window.
Fortunately the clouds did not tumble over to the other side of the car. On the contrary – a lighter gap in the sky appeared in front of us in place of the frightening clouds enclosing us.
I observed that crack and compared it with the position and shape of the clouds on the left. The light spot remained and looked like it wanted to keep pace with our car; it remained permanently in front of us.
I pronounced words of good prospect. But it was raining far too much to be really a good prospect. So I was not in the least satisfied with the current state of affairs.
We were going the last leg of the journey. The light spot that had been accompanying us some 50 or 60 km was getting insignificant. The rain was actually subsiding, and after some ten kilometres clear sky emerged in the West, interlaced with quiet lines of yellowish and later reddish clouds.
The situation made me draw a conclusion: Mrs L. may endure it…
Then we reached our destination. I broke in the flat, asked where she was lying and quickly went there… She got temperatures forty degrees. Her consciousness was fortunately not unhinged. A doctor was said to have been called for. I blazed with anger: "What is some stupid doctor for here! The best thing is to leave her alone."
Mr L. examined my opinion. I said: "To leave her alone is the best thing we can do for her benefit." And I imagined that within two days her life could go off, and it could have also meant peace in the sky of my fate.
Mr L. began to take a firm stand, but he said nothing. I was just pondering that insisting on my intent would have made him provoke my rage that could have resulted in his absolute destruction in the spiritual sense of the word. Thus I had to make a choice between more evils, and so – Mrs L. was taken to hospital.
After transporting her to hospital she got enormous pains coming from an erupted internal tumour. At the moment she was experiencing personally that my warning that death could snatch the already gained victory from a yogi was based on personal experience. And like drowned in pains she had to fight with phantoms that were offering her power and various magic abilities.
But let her talk about it:
"There were unbearable aches. But what was even worse, the inner light was fading away from me, and the light was for me dearer than everything else. So the pains were aggravated also by fear of losing the spiritual values. That only doubled my suffering. Only a spark of hope that I would get over and survive that crisis made me stronger internally, for I saw myself – at the very beginning of the illness – ascending twenty three rungs of ladder out of a grave, over which ribbons of grief fluttered. In that crisis, during which the pain was separating from my person, and which really culminated on the twenty-third day, I found myself suddenly, with a refusing gesture of my hands, standing in front of a whole row of invisible entities offering me magic powers and various spiritual gifts. Eventually I felt an inner relief that was escalated up to an inward exultation, continually accompanied with great physical aches, and thereby I gained a certainty that I won my struggle even though my illness continued."
But despite that state of affairs I asked her to decline all visits of her husband and children, or else I myself would repudiate her and go away from her regardless of existing spiritual danger. However, she did not make it in spite of my threats; she only bore hard that even I was plunging her into trials.
Well, I kept my word and went away as I had promised; however, I suffered at the thought that a helpless person like that could be stripped by the so-called love of the members of his/her family of the "divine crystal" which had not yet been fixed or built in the very body of the yogi.
Yes, so it is. If the yogi aspiring after the supreme spiritual victory does not contrive to arrange his outer things so that his close worldly people or relatives would be prevented from sucking up from him the spiritual and divine qualities through their feelings in the period of his defencelessness or powerlessness, then he will lose his struggle for the spiritual liberation, because he committed a sin by giving the mentioned qualities to the world over the named people. True, the high moral commitment of yogis is to protect the developed divine and spiritual qualities from any devaluation, and it must be kept even at the expense of the outer renunciation and isolation. Otherwise the yogi imposes on himself the same curse, under which the common people living their usual lives also groan. These people too, waste all, even the highest, spiritual values of their existence and life by worldly pursuits and tendencies. In view of this fact the spiritual efforts cannot be separated from asceticism.
On the basis of that piece of knowledge I had no other choice but to get isolated from Mrs L.; but still, living in a log cabin on a remote place, I could summon up all my strength for her salvation – a salvation of someone who had been short of life experiences needed for the path of mysticism.
Eventually, in some way, I succeeded – but now I do not remember how I did it – that the members of her family did not bother her with their feelings of love.
But then we were also talking with Dr. K. about her admission to clinic where I expected a better diagnosis of her state of health. And so, one day, after twenty-three days of culminating crisis and pains, I went with her in an ambulance to clinic. She was in a very bad condition and the diagnosis stated suspicion of cancer.
Nothing was going our way. The assistant doctor, who had promised to admit the patient some two days ago, was unfortunately undergoing an operation. Thus she had to pass a painful medical check-up and then she was placed in an "unclean" ward. But then the crisis was already in retreat and the patient was eventually discharged without any operation due to her overall exhaustion.
Learned from what had been just through I insisted on her to arrange her life equally I did: To make her home a place of visits.
I drove her away, to an old gamekeeper’s lodge, situated at the enclave and began to personally look after her in the physical as well as mystical respect. There was, in my opinion, still much to do for her mystic accomplishment, and, in addition, the idea of attaining the "transmission of teaching" began to arise in my consciousness at last, which fell into oblivion in the whirl of the last events.
Mrs L., however, had to get used to my presence. My influence would exhaust her and irritate her nerves to such an extent that she would often wish to leave or even run away. But I was dead serious about my stepping in her life and thus she suffered. I assumed it was only momentary reactions to my influence and therefore I did not want to change anything about the current state of affairs.
Her health was recovering very, very slowly. There were still hypertension crises and many heavy heart complaints interfering; troubles that are usually endured with only great difficulties. But I was satisfied at least to the degree that her crises did not disturb me even during my sleeping time.
In the course of that relative quietness I began to write my fourth book on mysticism.
But that relative quietness did not last long, either. During one of my journeys for milk, someone was following me, and then the unknown pursuer asked about me the gamekeeper, who excluded the possibility that "it might be me". The affair resulted in a conclusion that except me there must have been a spy hidden in the gamekeeper’s lodge. Who wanted to chase up the truth were the men supporting the worldly power of the all-conquering socialism – the loggers. They asked me one day: "Listen, why is the smoke going once from one chimney and for the second time from the other?" I replied that one chimney went from the kitchen and the other from the room where Mrs L. lived.
Well, they could not figure out that even such "puzzling" things could happen in the world. That only strengthened the suspicion that the secret agent was surely in the house and that he was protected by me or by both of us. So they would hold guard duties around the lodge, covering themselves with bundles of brushwood that lay near the fence, and would waste the precious time by guarding instead of sleeping. One day they searched every nook and cranny of the gamekeeper’s lodge while we were out.
The "spy" was, however, truly cunning; he was said to use the ability to become invisible, which influenced those fearless supports of the regime so much that we eventually had to leave that place.
But before it happened, Mrs L. began to feel sick again. Temperatures 40 degrees anew. A doctor recommended sending her to hospital once more. So she had to undergo a surgery during which she got another experience: That the Light of Spirit could be lost during a fatal crisis…
Then I succeeded, with a help of my friends, in transferring her to a new location where we stayed only a shorter time. Thereafter we would rotate between home and the temporary sojourn at Dr. K’s, where there was medical assistance for Mrs L. within easy reach…
It was autumn again. Mrs L’s state of health was critical and resulted in another operation that was, as the professor at the surgical ward said, successful. The surgery did not confirm cancer, which offered a glimmer of hope for a mystical practice that would have taken her farther from the devastating karma that was permanently in resistance…
The experiences she had gained during the last three years were, as a convincing argument, leading her towards the question of the real renouncement. During that decision-making she saw herself kneeling; there were some fetters lying beside her, from which she had freed herself.
I was on my way towards home at that time. But all of a sudden the street I was going along vanished and there was a battleground instead. Far and wide over the dark area, saturated with fumes of the preceding battle, lay remnants of Maros’ bodies. No living warrior was seen there. And then, from the space behind the barricades, ramparts and horizon, the crowned Maro was coming out. He ascended the plain with a dignity of an old monarch, and together with him also his armed retinue. An idea flashed in my mind: The battlefield as it looks is my work… Then the "king of Maros" gave me a short glance but I did not take much of his interest. All he was doing was analysing the situation on the battleground and giving orders. What I considered as bad was that I could not catch in my consciousness the commands he was issuing, since the king of Maros, as I had to admit, disposed of the same ability as I had: He could conceal his words to his own mind. And there he was using that faculty to protect his thoughts from the enemy. Then he and his retinue disappeared and I was going on my way towards home, perceiving nothing but the sober reality.
An uncertainty resulting from the new situation was blazing in my mind: None of the fighters of the Maro’s troops was able to destroy me; all of them lay dead on the battlefield. That made the king of Maros come to choose another fighting strategy. And that is truly bad situation for me.
"I wonder if I am really going to fall into a shrewdly planted ambush?" I complained in that sense to Mrs L. who, however, pronounced trust in my shrewdness. As she had the experience with Mr B’s death, I am not particularly pleased by her opinion, though.
Later on, even though nothing significant had happened, new Maro introduced himself to me. He was strong and seasoned in fight. Having considered my previous experiences I decided to take an active defence. I employed a visualization of light as seen within him, the light the very Brahma emits, for I am convinced this is the only way to remove the Keeper of the Threshold from weapons he can use onto people as his attacks from ambush and from maliciousness, which man does not see or anticipate.
But yet, there is something wicked in that. I complained already that, because the Dweller of the Threshold – Maro – was endowed with Brahma-like luminosity, people are thereby deprived of the possibility to tell the Devil from God. As for me, I know the Devil very well. I have fought against him in all his forms and, as I dispose of the olfactory memory, I can always recognize him at once by his distinctive smell. But what can people do to recognize him? Well, I am desirous to see the day when I could, with or without difficulties, knock with my fists the Maro that glares with radiance like the very Brahma into the abyss where his body could take up again the natural and, to his character corresponding, black colour that lets even the people, who are equipped with a much poorer discerning power, to tell him apart from God. Besides, something like God Himself tells me I will live to see the moment…
It would be a great mistake to think that Maro has always a sulky face only. Sometimes he appears just like a personified emanation of existence with materialistic tendencies; in such a case the Dweller of the Threshold represents a being that prevents any unripe entity from entering the absolute, as this is the sphere where the entity can experience all states of bliss pertaining to beings that are supra-bodily and morally as well as physically not degenerated.
When man commences to aim at reaching the realization of the state of beings indwelling the absolute (as limitless space), he is never free from relations with people, whose lives are distinguished by submission to tension and forces of nature. On this basis, man’s effort leads particularly to emanating the vital forces in the form of personified ideas. And as there is a relationship or a connection between the striving man and all other human beings existing on the atavistic base, then also the personification of the vital force emanated by him gains strengthened influence on all human beings.
That means that the mystic, only because he, still as a human, longs and calls from within his heart for redemption, is creating the Keeper of the Threshold, whose function is significant according to how uncompromisingly he called for redemption in his hitherto worldly status. If he screams mightily, he creates a spiritual power that can devour all traditional fiends, and later, on the basis of that, can transubstantiate itself into a powerful spiritual entity that will "occupy" the escape route from samsaro to nirvana and thus will become a tempter of all beings that would like to escape from samsaro by spiritual means.
As for me, I went through a real tempest of desire and calling for Light of the Truth and inward freedom. So I swept along a lot of energy of the human world and threw it consequently in the act of calling and longing at the boundary of samsaro and nirvana, because from samsaro I was, and the state of nirvana I could already sense. Consequently I created as my own guard a mighty Keeper of the Threshold. And then I found out that my being I wanted to redeem was not only a psychic-physiological structure that was manifested in the form of my body but, owing to the affinity with human beings, also practically everything there is. Thus I was in a position of a power against another power and, at the same time, I had to begin considering the Dweller of the Threshold as my own obstacle. Since that moment I started fighting on a wide front, while mankind in that struggle got into the state of certain mental complexes of my own.
I believe I will balance that discrepancy, as now that I feel my age I am anticipating, as an initial stage of the unlimited freedom, the peace of someone who wants nothing, longs for nothing and is contented to the point of stony indifference.
After Mrs L’s decision to abnegate everything the way the yogis aspiring to Nirvana must do, I have had an easier and easier time. The great psychic pressures and strains were diminishing and I made up my mind to formulate the Teaching. I started writing the "Discourse of Gods", "The Secret of Tibet" and began once again to write commentaries to the "Voice of Silence". I had previously commented the last mentioned book especially for Mrs L., for in my opinion, she traversed exactly the path depicted in that scripture. I wanted to rework the available commentaries to the book, because, as Mrs L. brought me "Great Corroboration" on the path of yoga, it seemed also a good opportunity to show to the seeking people the mysticism from a deeper viewpoint…
Whether I succeeded in explaining in my books the mystic teaching, it must be judged by those who passed the complete course of Indian yoga or the practice of Mahayana. Theoretical mystical education is absolutely insufficient to assume the correct judgement. Life is far from being assembled of some formulas either; on the contrary, it grows and develops from the inner preconditions that are most special and can change the apparently lifeless spirituality into a sphere of causal realities, i.e. of those capable of growing whole aeons long to eventually mature into an objective reality.
As for myself, there has never been a problem for me to know whether the internal, i.e. emotional, and mental world has been real or exclusively abstract. I always regarded it as a world qualitatively younger than the material one, as a world that could reveal itself in the spaces of "the real" always when we imprint exact forms to it. I have never slid into a conviction that the physical life is primary and the mental one secondary, and I know that this knowledge of mine only precedes the objective exploration of the empirical science. To demonstrate the matter-of-fact ground of the genuine mysticism I would mention particularly the fact that I gained education without going to school and scientific knowledge without empirical study. And if Fate played on me such tricks that I had to struggle along from a desperate status of a child from the poorest of the poorest families and, besides, wrongly oriented one, up to the status of a man intellectually well oriented, then the more glory to
Y O G A,
Teaching, which, similar to an extremely pure and vast spring of delicious water, rescued me, a man already dying of huge spiritual thirst. That happened just in the wasteland of the ethically, intellectually and economically disoriented world.
I can add to the above mentioned: I live the glory of a yogi who worked his way up to achieve the heights of spirituality, where, and not before, the spiritual feeling gets integrated, crystallizes and particularizes, which then gives rise to the theoretical and philosophical basis of the Doctrine. The whole life too, reaches a more solid base of psychological, moral as well as special directives, because life trials no longer fulfil their educational effect. But yet, there is something consequential here. I can find out that the karmic dispositions are determined not only by man himself but also by those who measure his acts as people who are affected by his behaviour. This is the reason why I do not live in composure that is ostensibly granted to people who are entirely burnt-out in the animal respect; on the contrary, there are three points affecting me that are of importance for me:
These three fundamental facts render my situation so far complicated, and I do not take account of one, in the external sense, significant point – namely of the political label I was given, which defines the concern of the secret police over my person… Well, you mystic who will read this biography, listen: It seems to me that the contemporary situation of the world’s karma allows to get to "the supreme attainment" only with difficulties that are not endurable for people. But it may be just my theory. However, this theory is supported by the following experience of mine. My big renouncement of the world and the focus on the spirituality was always accompanied by other people’s suspicion. The worldly people regarded me all the time as a inane man, while mystics took me for a bad man. They would show me their hostility only as a proof that I was not normal in swearing at people and fate on the one side and in pious sighing after sensual pleasures on the other. Yes, I renounced the world and set before my eyes as the supreme goal the burning out of my being; therefore I did not rejoice with those who were happy in the world nor did I swear with those who were struck by fate, nor did I sigh with those who saw in being struck by fate a mark of religiousness and in reality proved thereby such or other sensual desires of theirs. I found better to keep silent and it was the reason why people suspected me. I was and so far am suspected by worldly people and even by the so-called mystics, and that made me even forget about the need of a "stone to lay my head onto". Thus I gave up even that worldly "comfort" and came to see grow and get stronger the flower of spiritual perfection, which is no longer meant for me as a symbol of something which is mine but, on the contrary, as a reality, the roots of which grow into the ground that represents other people, my friends, who wish to embrace the teaching.
In this context a hope arises in me that I will certainly be successful in handing on the Teaching, because I can see it realizing in the deepest sense in Mrs L. whom I keep supervising. It was impossible that the hope could arise in me earlier. The prerequisite necessary for transmission and thus for preserving the Teaching is actually the absolute renouncement of the world, i.e. such a renunciation, under whose pressures personality dissolves to the point of self-awareness in the form of "I". Unfortunately I did not witness anybody of those people who joined me do so, and that fact incited in me a pessimistic opinion and even dejection and scepticism about preserving the mystic teaching.
It felt like a dark night, illuminated by flashes of bad omens, which were arising because the mystical problem of people interested in mysticism was their efforts to achieve pleasing moments, similar to those sought for by the purely mundane hedonists in drinking alcohol, dancing, or in other entertainments. Well, only such "mysticism" I saw in people and therefore my depression which was finally replaced by a discovery that there was also someone who conceived mysticism as something which requires first of all renouncing everything, perhaps even oneself. And this is my dawn in the darkest depth of night full of many other circumstances.
Many people might find it too small a result. They should, however, take into account that for the previous thirty years I had seen only such efforts that should help add something extra to the existing hedonic living. Then they will certainly understand that it is really too much to find just a single person who bases his/her efforts on the genuine renouncement. Only now, this fact and, besides, the care I want to give to my wife – whether she understands the whole question of my life or not – lets me see, more and more clearly, the goal that has always attracted me so much, the goal that means for me the extinction of my being’s existence on the spot, where only radiance is allowed to remain…
Yes. I no longer see the necessity to counteract evil with the good but to balance the darkness with brightness. And since I find the levelling out of evil with the good quite easy, I consequently regard this activity as futile. The originator of evil is actually darkness and hence it is more effective to do away with the originator rather than with his product. And this is precisely the so-called Great Way. It can be trodden safely only by one who is thoroughly depersonalised, i.e. who discarded thoroughly his personality, not only in the other people’s eyes but on the level of one’s consciousness. And this is truly a hard work to accomplish. I wish that many people could carry out this task. Only by means of this work can people reach the level of "Great mysticism", where personality is wiped out and what remains is only the absolute – of course, embodied, if the follower of the Great Mysticism survived. After his death, there remains only light, the projecting force of the absolute, whereas he – the "self" will become the same what we call the ABSOLUTE.
As for the mystic matters I came to during that period, I may just say that the most significant event, I think, was my last visit in heaven. I emerged there suddenly one day, but only there I found my clothes dirty like bricklayers’ ones. That circumstance made me be on the alert against the celestial inhabitants. I was immediately decided to denounce the whole heaven in case they judged me by my outward appearance. There I saw also my wife sitting in the assembly of celestial dwellers, and she, like the other residents of that heaven, was watching very carefully who appeared there. As I did not want her to recognize me lest she should not get annoyed, I was hiding my face. My dress was changing meanwhile; the unclean suit was turning into a toga that eventually sparkled with light and glitter. Then I knew already that my wife would not recognize me; then, as an unknown newcomer [in heaven], having a glittering suit on, I was regarded as a "bhagavan", whom the celestial inhabitants paid tribute. I was pleased, because all my life long I have held the opinion that man has to do the duties pertaining to the status he obtained by his birth; - and my status does not admit, in my view, any other activity than one where I must get dirty.
The whole story with my attendance at heaven might be a good presage, the more so as it was no dream. Besides, I immediately switched my consciousness back again into my normal state, which means that I felt [and feel] like an absolutely normal man.