Going My Own Way
I did not live in poverty any longer, only in worries. Thus, looking forward again, I decided: I have to go further with the Teaching. The people around me are not eligible for a direct transmission and so I have no alternative left but to appeal to the world by means of a book.
I tried it. I had written horoscopes already, so perhaps I will cope with writing a book, too. My mind was, however, not accustomed to that sort of work. I had not read any novels or better literary works – only a couple of books on mysticism, the literary value of which was dubious. I was rather weak at [Czech] grammar and spelling rules, I did not know either style or syntax. To expect my wife to help me in that matter was impossible. Life experiences had to be formulated clearly in the book, or otherwise I could have said nothing in many words.
For that reason, I applied to heaven and explained "celestial spirits" the difficulties I had.
They promised to help me by means of thought influence.
I did not believe it. It was me who had the Teaching, so I had to be able to interpret it. That made me negotiate: Just the syntax.
"Well, then," they told me.
I purred with satisfaction to let them know I was serious about it.
Then there was no need to be afraid any longer and so I began. It worked infinitely better than I could ever hope. Everything formed by itself. What hindered me in work was that I could not write quite freely but I had to observe the logical context in the doctrinal material. I felt that the book had to "get form" in formulation.
It was at that time that St. left our house. He had lived with us in lodgings. I was not satisfied with him for I knew that his life was taking quite a different direction than which was necessary for a teamwork to establish the Teaching. The cause [of our parting] was that he was not opened to accept my instructions for an unconditional liquidation of his personality. He was not amenable and was going obstinately the path of future mystical results. That made him an alien being to me…
He had experiences of a mystic who had reached the power to bestow consecrations, but he considered those experiences just good to give initiations to maintain his outer existence.
Czechoslovakia is not Tibet and so he failed to be successful in his efforts. He could then see the glooms of his own future where the scourge of the karma should strike at his back. He would have liked to avoid that fate, but he did not appealed to me for advice in that problem, as he saw my actual situation and my acting in it, and it was therefore obvious to him that, either I did not know what to do, or there was some other problem in it.
However, the problem of the karmic trials was his. And to approach someone who was a victim of situation was, in his opinion, pointless. So he wanted to manage by himself.
I discovered it soon. He was creating a new cosmos for himself, where he himself wanted to be Brahman. He knew, though, that it was no unwinding of Ariade’s thread representing his existence and karma, but unpleasant visions can be cleared away also by not wanting to see the dangers. It is in fact pursuing an "ostrich-like policy", but the karmic threats of bad fate are more imminent than the menaces regarding the figments of God-Creator, namely beings and all the animate and inanimate that God [has] created.
Maybe he did not even realize the cruelty of that deed, which came out of in his steadfast decision to make himself Brahman. He had an initiation that gave him also the knowledge of how to become Brahman, he was in a tight spot from which he wanted to escape, guided by the watchword: "My own salvation at any cost!"
He probably did not see, neither did he imagine, that he himself, me and all the others who there are in the world, are here also just because a little Joe craved for escaping the spectre of bad karma by making God-Creator of himself; in doing so, he did hot reason that at the time when his karma will be maturing, his creation will be passing through a crisis of slow, horrible, the-highest-frights-causing, great DYING.
Yes, yes, little Joe. That certain little Joe that is now Brahman was then deranged in the matter of the "end of the ages", too, and it is possible that this fact will now plough in his cosmic chest a deep furrow of awaking conscience of a frightful, by no way irretrievable, SIN that he made in mental derangement.
Did you want to follow his path?
Such an origin of creation of the cosmos and the world as well as of all living in it will probably be beyond all possibility of admitting by anyone of normally thinking people. The cause of it is that they do not know that the cosmos is just an illusion that looks like reality only in relation to certain energy quanta forming the world of phenomena. Furthermore, they do not know that energy quanta are not stable and that they react very strongly to the electromagnetic mental impulses of deliberately thinking people or, that phenomena represent only an energy cluster responding very vividly to the energetical mental impulses. This ignorance is caused also by the fact that the actions of the mental sphere are not immediately followed by the reactions of the energy quanta forming the existence, but the latter are slower, which causes that the impulse that someone outer imparts to the physical states forming the existence will often come into effect only after a very long time, when the one who had given that impulse is not alive any more. At the same time, the change induced by the stimulus proceeds within the changes corresponding with the universal law.
The mystics, who have realized these relations and who also know that they never cease to exist in this form or other, do not take much interest in the narrow standpoint of worldly people. For this very reason they just set up conditions for arising new situations and, at the same time, they also aim at actively participating in the fates of the leaders and founders of these situations rather than being just victims of those.
From the lower point of view, they become in this way leaders at the lower stage and lords on the human level, whereas from a higher perspective [they become] gods or masters of cycles of creation. However, from the position of the wisest and the most mature mystics, this effort yields no essential solution to the individual problems of life. In their opinion, every event induced by an impulse gets tired, which this is an obvious sign of a crisis that an individual experiences as the suffering.
What does it matter that an expert on mysticism can give rise to impulses that create events lasting for the whole Brahman’s age? At this end there is the same pain a dayfly experiences at the end of its one-day life. Moreover, the vision, which is based on getting over the moments shorter than a Brahman’s age, can see the end much nearer than man with his standards for this time. As a result of that, he thinks he has to avoid this event of "tomorrow" similarly like the worldly man wants to avoid a tomorrow’s worldly affair. Only if he buries himself in human views and, at the same time, he produces impulses having all preconditions for lasting the whole period of a Brahman’s epoch, he can be then pleased with his deed that promises him long-standing joy.
For my part, I was not particularly interested in what people were doing at that time. I had my own worries as someone who tried to get a small chunk of bread from the world, just like the people who groaned under the yoke of incomprehensible ignorance did. Besides, there was poverty pressing us and I had my family to provide for…
St. was making his own cosmos at that time. Yes, really, don’t laugh, people. He was creating his new cosmos. By the way, it is not so difficult. It is necessary to fix the mental sperm in the maternal egg of the world substance that here and there expands into visible forms of creation; then it is essential to keep two factors united before one’s eyes in the vigil awareness to avoid that the future cosmos becomes the universe of its own, but to make it belong to its Creator. In addition to that, this shapeless embryo must be watched over so long until it proceeds by itself to the gravitational field, as it is the case in interstellar relations.
All that is not difficult if one, by means of a mystical initiation, reached the ability to hold a vivid imagination for any time long. The fact is that the highly advanced mystics can visualize not only the air but also physical states as the factors in space; this is a qualification for creating reality from nothing, while the mental energy stands for the precondition of an effective impulse. On this basis, whole physical masses can be set in motion, and the capability of conceptual thinking can determine the final forms of those masses. All the rest does the real cosmic gravitation.
Then it is no more necessary to take care of anything. The [new] cosmos ripens to the foetus and one day it will become physical as ours.
And the question of time?
Time is of no importance. – Who has succeeded in putting the visualized embryo of the new cosmos into the gravitational field of cosmos will become a divine prince who will draw share in the royal pension so long until he himself becomes the king. St. knew all that. He had only one small uncertainty: What about me?
Well, yes, what about me.
So I found him immediately and talked to him:
"So what, are you making a new cosmos?"
It came out, as the saying goes. He cowered a bit: What will happen?
In fact only little, because he confessed it.
"Why are you doing such a thing? The cosmos that is now in existence and in which we are, too, is quite enough with all the sloppiness. Cut it out! Besides, you would get beat for it one day. You understand me well?"
Slightly depressed, he confessed: "I am in fear of such a fate as you have. I want to help it."
I thought to myself: See, you hero? That’s you who once, as an apprentice, came back from a dance, having multiple stab wounds and you just remarked, "We were just teasing each other". That’s you whom I heard of, that, when surrounded by those who wanted to beat you, you were absolutely unmoved by fear of the situation, and you liquidated perhaps ten or more men with the punches of your fists, so that they received such a lesson that they were afraid of you as if you had been the very fiend. That’s you who are certainly over me with this physical courage of yours, and you are suddenly scared of the lamb-fate that will die before me who has worked well and been obedient both before God and before people.
But what good are such reflections… He knew, without being told a word, that I would not allow him to do so. I changed something in that "work of his". His cosmos held for a while, but then it collapsed.
The lashes of the karmic knout were already falling at his back and he had to put up with it. He caught at a straw that would eventually pierce through the shoulder of his mystical power: He went in for trafficking in faeces of the Great Teaching, while my heart nearly stopped at the knowledge that trying to organize people who should be well initiated was the same as trying to do up tons of sand into one single bundle.
I wrote and rewrote the book for maybe half a year or more. Then I presented the work to my friends the seeking mystics. I gave it to one with writer’s bents, to one undergraduate, then to the already mentioned, hot-tempered Mr. H. and to one clergyman. I asked them to provide the book with notes, so that I might consider how those men, as prototypes of certain human characters, would understand it. The reviews from three of them were positive, only Mr. H. could not finish the work.
In the meantime, Mr. B. and Mr. H. should move to our house to lodgings, while I and my family were also changing our residence. It had been 11 years after my realisation, I survived the hot May in 1935, when I lay powerless in grass for many days and when there was a problem for me to go to the kitchen to take meal – that year was the worst one for me as far as the consequences of the realisation are concerned. So I began to feel better off then. After many years I could even visit heaven and invigorate myself there. But let’s get this clear. I was not welcome in heaven. But how could I pay attention to meanings of gods at the moment when the poisonous streams of the infernal sphere, in which I had dwelled for so many years, did not let arise even one single good feeling.
Yes, it was Sunday, and the mystics were on a visit at our home as usually. And it was in the middle of their visit that I was feeling it was the right time to visit heaven, and that the situation allowed me to refresh myself.
I left the company and went to the room where I could be only alone.
I lay down on the floor.
Then I transmitted my consciousness to heavens.
Gods stood up immediately by me and declared:
"You are dark and heavy from infernal influences, go away, please."
But I knew that it was my moment, so I said:
"Leave me alone."
My body was sort of filling up with light and harmonious vibrations of the celestial sphere. And within a period somewhat longer than half an hour I was invigorated.
There was, however, company waiting for me and so I was about to leave heaven. But then the gods responded favourably, for they said:
"You are pure and pleasant, stay here, please."
I rose and, without any answer, joined the other mystics again. I was indeed aware that there should be time of rest and time of activity. And that invigoration was sufficient, after all; greater quantity of light and harmony would have rendered the further life struggles unpleasant… The fact was that my existence was not firm, and I was thinking of building an independent existence.
But fate was obstinate and pushed me into going a path that did not seem to be so good and advantageous for me. In the end I submitted and –went.
I was restless. I had waited for from Mr. H. to bring me his review of my book "Direct Path", but I could not get it from him. It had been nearly two years that I gave him the manuscript (to read it and to provide it with comments). At last, after my repeated insistence, he "came running" at a snail’s pace to give me his work.
I looked at his notes to the manuscripts in astonishment. At places where there was a full stop he made a coma instead, plus further sequel to the preceding text, whereby everything that was written in the first half of the sentence was refuted. And yet, it was just his review that I took for most important. Since he represented rationalists in the most literal today’s sense of the word, for he was a Marxist and a hard-core, radical communist rolled into one. At the same time, he had technician’s mind, whereas all of the other men were "calm citizens".
I threw the book down on the table, decided not to publish it, but to rework it instead.
But then there were already storm clouds arising in the political sky, from which a lightning – the German dictator – should go down.
The Keeper of the Threshold acclaimed my decision to rework the Direct Path. She came and howled: "You won’t succeed any more in publishing your book."
And it was only then that it dawned upon me: "So that’s how things are?" The tension in my being was rising as if in the highest excitement.
"That’ enough," I commanded, "The book will come out!"
The Dweller of the Threshold tried to oppose with a threat that even if she should destroy the whole world, I would not be successful in publishing the Direct Path.
Readers will maybe find this statement bold and exaggerated. But I hold in me not a single spot of ambition to become a man of worth, but I feel obliged to inform of it, and, at the same time, I assume the right to declare that I am not in the least a victim of heretical belief. One must see into the cosmic mechanics to be learned that great events spring from relatively small causes. By the way, I did not feel that there was somebody at that time, either on European or on American continent, who was in charge over oneself. Therefore the sea of energies, the vibrations of which gives the psychological vitality to people as well as to the other beings, was relatively well prepared for a qualified individual to induce in it new waves, hitherto non-existent in qualitative sense. However, the psychological dependence of people on the wave rhythm of the energy sea is not only something purely mechanical. This rhythm has its guards, egregors, who live on this rhythm and are thus very responsive to any interference with it. This was the cause of the appearance of the Keeper of the Threshold that is, however, powerless at the time when man starts a new rhythm, although she can respond to it with defensive tactics, during which hecatombs are created.
In relation to me had the Dweller of the Threshold no other possibilities. I was barricaded behind the semblance of a man who was as a citizen quite normal; therefore she could not bring me pompously onto the cross as [she did to] one of the great mystics. So I was living through a moment when I set a new rhythm by means of a two simultaneous procedures. And I believe in the victory of that rhythm, which I deduce from the fact that there are no people who could manipulate the same forces, only in a different manner than I could do. As far as I know so far, there are only slaves of karma, people that can be controlled by the tension of space. And that makes me believe that my feat will be successful.
I did not bear in myself the least incentive to traffic. I started to write again, working from the morning till the evening, I was looking for the printing works, was asking publishers knowing that, due to the political situation, nobody would like to take the book to edition. I was hunting for a loan for my own edition, I negotiated with the print works and bound them to finish the book by a certain date against a penalty for delay, because I was afraid that they would not meet the deadline, because the Keeper of the Threshold took a great interest in that thing.
But there were not only delays and hindrances. One tradesman from Pardubice offered me the loan without any guarantee, and immediately, the owner of the great printing works in Prague Mr Neubert promised to give me paper for printing the edition if I succeed in having the book printed.
Those were, however, only small alleviations as there was no time for proofreading. The book was even not completely finished as I gave it off to printers – right off the typewriter. Of course, the haste was then reflected in the book, but I wanted to have it printed before the German dictator created a new political situation. But the printing was behind schedule.
The date when I should have the book printed at home was drawing nearer and so I went to ask: "So how’s the printing going? Is it going to be finished soon?"
"We haven’t began working on it yet," they answered.
"You will pay penalty," I threatened.
That stirred up commotion and rush and then it went well. There was only some squabbling about the penalty and, in the end, I got the book two weeks before our republic became a part of a protectorate.
The thing made me worry. I wanted to step in mysticism, to summon people seeking on the mystical paths, I wished to help. But there was just darkness, the unfathomable darkness that came instead.
I was examining the situation. I wanted to do something to ward off the political evil, wishing to bring the light a bit earlier than the darkness should set in.
My effort was no success, and I also knew that it was no use wanting to stop the tumbling avalanche of the world’s ripe karma in that way. The world’s days were still to come without any possibility of warding off.
Between the writing and printing of the Direct Path, I was oppressed by my financial situation. I wanted to solve it by settling down somewhere on the spot and finding a job of a worker. There was no chance for me to get a better work but to look around for a labourer’s job, since I had not the scrap of paper called "qualification for performing a clerical labour. By the way, my vicinity thought of me as being a "mysterious person", and as for myself, I awaited changes in the political sky.
Mr W. pulled strings to get me a labourer’s job in a dynamite factory. I came to work in the department of acids, and as early as after two days I was vomiting violet juices.
I thought it would be better to die of hunger, because under such circumstances one can, with a certain effort, maintain one’s good mood, which is an indispensable prerequisite for a good death. On the other hand, the tearing of one’s entrails does not allow good dying. For that reason, I did not go to the work the third day.
Mr. B. got me therefore a new job, this time in a water purification plant. I made a demand of an easier work due to my subtle physical constitution. The chief engineer promised to give me such a job, but he could not be everywhere. The boss had a favourite there who obligingly cringed and fawned. Moreover, he knew I was a protégé and so he was a bit afraid that I might be an informer – or that I might know something else?
There was not much easy work for me to do, so I obstructed. Besides, I did not talk with anybody except for the "waterman" whom I worked with. The chief attacked me with occasional remarks that hurt me, and so I decided to leave the place. It happened after maybe three or four weeks.
I believed that after those experiences I was strong enough to put a noose round my neck if I should see my family suffer too much. The experience of those two works was quite cogent to let me recognize I was not capable of performing a labourer’s job. I was incapable both for health reasons and owing to the race in which only the one wins, who can sing the best praises and thanks for a possibility he is given to earn his meagre living by working till one is fit to drop. Neither was I able of it because I did not really bear, with only minor exceptions, and even for psychical reasons, the entirely materialistic way of thinking of those sorely tried children of the world, the workers. They, in the primary sense afflicted by bad karma, create in the secondary sense further links of the chain of this karma by letting the heavy conditions impress upon them even the materialistic way of thinking.
I would have needed a work of a junior clerk or something like that, where I could have given more of my mind than of my hands. My gratitude would have gushed out for such an employment, to take up to heaven the one who would have gotten or offered it to me.
Then I had a lot to do working on the print of the book, and so I did not feel to be an entirely unnecessary man. I worked on it, gave it off to print, I should also retail it, which meant people coming and their questions; I wished to give advice to those people honestly on the basis of my all mystical experiences I had. Besides, I was given a chance to work for their own spiritual good.
I knew very well that this "employment" died in the ancient times. But today, too, people have problems concerning the spiritual teaching and, moreover, a lot of false teachings thunder in the world and obscure the true prominence of the spiritual life, even more than the rational materialism does, which in the next phase, as the dialectic materialism, will try to eradicate teachings on spiritual life, whatever good and true or bad and false these teachings are.
Owing to the obstacles I had with the transmission of the teaching, the point was whether I should also consider, as a narrow-minded man, the dialectic materialism as a criminal doctrine that aims at suppressing the religion. I saw, indeed, Christians, who, lead by their corrupt teaching, professed no longer a liberating teaching, but a teaching on poverty, which allows a religious man to assume that somewhere behind the shield of the human or superhuman justice there is some God or Christ that will probably not admit them into heaven, because, good or sinful, they are obliged to remind to God: I poor sinner.
There has been enough time for the "good" of the dialectic materialism so far (written in 1959). It was the German dictator that should formerly come to persecute this teaching lest his fall should be prophesied. That fall could be, however, predicted also without "clicking" tables, and it could be done even more reliably because it was a mathematical problem. But dictators do not think about the reality. They have just their noses.
As I already said, the Dweller of the Threshold threatened me already that Direct Path would not come out. And long before, as there were still no murky clouds in the political sky, the whole legions of dark goblins of the invisible world, those creatures that are offshoots of the Keeper’s self, were scanning all the meads of our world to find the culprit who began "tidying up" here, which the Dweller of the Threshold does not put up with as it is the region where she is master.
I saw well those black goblins; even the one, who later began creating a new universe, saw them. They were going closely round my feet, gazing dully into the ground and searching the one who sewed the restlessness on their fields. Sometimes, when I got tired, they were going even through my body that I extended and made thinner than the air of Avichi, so that I became an invisible creature for them. Nevertheless, even in that condition I was thundering my self into the qualitative space of the world, because otherwise I could not have built up the teaching here. That inspired both them and their lady the Dweller of the Threshold in the same way as ultrasound can inspire someone who is able to feel-hear sounds, not merely to hear them.
Anyway, as I was highly experienced in the struggle, I had many successes in the fight with the lower keepers of the invisible world. I was creating my spiritual body that undulated in the world’s space and imprinted in the world’s karma my future, far more physical intervention.
I wanted to carry on that action, but [it should have been done] only for the good of the world. In addition to that, I can pronounce with all my responsibility that the purpose of that was not to get a slice of bread, but to hand over my experiences and knowledge, aware that I already ate the bread and, as an ascetic, I was bound to pay for it with a great savikalpa, which means creating potential karma, just like others who, having comprehended their duties of Buddhist monks, pay for it with meditations or with that "metta".
After all, I accepted my work as a duty that had arisen for me on the basis of very old karmic debts that I and also every other human accumulate. I had gained experiences and the knowledge that has shaken the humaneness off me down to the very monad and, having realized that I was not an "individual being" but merely a single bead in the necklace of all worldly beings, I forgot about my immediate liberation. A shocking and majestic truth flashed upon me, that Nirvana is also within Samsara. Having realised that I deduced that I could be liberated, or more precisely, experience the liberation also in the skin of the animal being and in activity that is no more human, personal, but far, far higher one.
Indeed, who holds such an opinion cannot think about the teaching in respect of a slice of bread. A slice of bread is unimportant; it is the moment of death that is important, the date of which is precisely predestined and which one determines in the depths of one’s own bygone time.
The political constellation of the year 1938 and further ones interfered disruptively with my plan, for the karma of the current political situation was more mature than the karma of my merits. For that reason I tried to confront the emergent new time by showing great activity on the lower base. Such an endeavour is, however, always less effective and in many cases fails completely.
My mind was, as for the concentration degree, inert and motionless like a stone. If I disabled the thinking from my life twelve years ago, I brought chitta into the condition of petrification this time, so that I might, at least on the mental level, create conditions for mistaken calculations of dictators; in case of a weaker sort of dictator maybe even conditions with devastating consequences.
The tension had a response even in the body, so sometimes in June 1938 a very sharp stab afflicted my heart. The angels tried to convince me not to go on (performing that power practice). Actually, I also recognized it as better in the course of things of worse character. And so, as I was relaxing my efforts, endless anxiety was falling upon me and I experienced all the future suffering of the world, which, by my calculations, should not afflict me personally in the whole drastic horror.
When I finally slackened my exerting direct pressures on the present face of affairs, the visual sphere slowly began to clear up. It made me satisfied like a blind man who could not see the stone falling on his head. However, the impact of the presages was transferred into my body and it made me start the yoga of the "mystic dance".
The mystic dance means on the one had figures corresponding with the situation of the moment, on the other hand the ability to guess the purport of the moment and to react to it inwardly.Man contrives it only on the condition that there are no impulses in him coming from the animal nature, but only responds to the outer things, and it is desirable that man be sensitive as a well pervaded but neutral agent. Under these circumstances the outer actions make arise in him symbolic attitudes that serve as a guidance of how one shall act as a human being. In addition, the attitudes caused by outer influences are in fact presages.
As the presages were so bad, I felt physically permanently indisposed. I was walking up and down the room in a big unease very often and was examining the situation from the position of "supervision", for I began to be interested also in my outer fate from the viewpoint of my safety before police.
It did not seem that there was something of that kind in the sky of my destiny, and so I was experiencing only the then and the future distress of the nation. It roused my eyesight in some way and so, during one agitated pacing of the room, I had to avoid bumping into a coffin in which someone lay. I did not take much interest in it, but as I went back for the second time, the corpse was getting up, throwing the legs over the edge of the coffin, shaking off the rigidity – which looked as if it had lain for a long time – and the German dictator appeared thus on earth.
He did not see me, as he was concerned only with himself. He swaggered a bit and then he concluded: "Well, I have to go now."
All that made me upset. I knew he headed for evil deeds he should be successful in, so I pulled myself together again to produce the magnetic tension. As a result he was bound, he could not move off the spot, and I came to know that such acting was fruitless…
I released therefore the tension and took no more interest in him. There was bitter feeling of gall spreading in my throat. I was experiencing the suffering more intensely, almost physically. Everything was in fact so obvious to me that I could describe in detail what the future was going to bring.
But what would have been the point of it? I had been through two great presages and it flashed upon me during them that acting as a prophet of bad future would have brought me just mockery and maybe even an intervention of police.
Yes, yes, fate. You know how to prepare your affairs in the very midst of people and you are even able to arrange everything so that you blind the eyes of the leading politicians and into the hearts of other people you put mockery and the will to murder in case the seers of Spirit should warn about these things. Even in the incomprehensible blindness, you people are self-confident up to the point that each of your individual members, whether an intellectual or a beer know-all who is deeply absorbed in the underworld realm of absolute ignorance, dares to attack or criticize anybody of those who view the future with clear mind and can figure it out on the principles of psychological and karmic mathematics.
Why is this folk, so self-assured in the matter of intellectual maturity, unable to comprehend such an easy fact advising on the dynamic influence of mental qualities that can be successfully operated in the field of karmic values of the world? Do people have to be subject to a terrible and imminent obscuration coming from the bad karma, which is the real cause of their disbelief in effective power of thinking that is, indeed, the basis of activity? The direct impact on thinking is, indeed, most obvious and one can trace, with little difficulties, that thinking is a dynamic force that enables a compassionate man of good will to put through a new way of thinking in the world, which would not lead to destructive behaviour and activity any longer.
But who wants to pursue this magic leading to the good of mankind. Hardly ever does such a person appear who does not sink into the egoistic regards, and thus is able to work for the benefit of the world and consequently also to one’s own welfare if he sees his activity from the perspective of great time cycles. Though, if such a man does appear, he still lacks the knowledge of magic operations with the thought, and so he is often out of any possibility to do anything to the world’s benefit. He needs to come to the knowledge that thinking is an effective magic power that primarily influences all the life of human as well as invisible beings, and that, as a magnetic agent, it can be filled with edifying and to-the-world’s-good-leading qualities.
There has been, however, quite a different situation arising instead. People do not believe in effectiveness of thinking. They have even made it a valueless product of matter in their notions. But still, they have been utilizing it in magic sense for creating bad conditions of the world’s fate due to their ignorance in the field of psychology. Who should try to embrace discipline of the thought when it is considered to be but a valueless product of matter? And it is just owing to this that one lets arise instincts and passions that negatively affect the thinking as the power which, according to its quality, is a seed of evil sowing of fate. One needs to understand it and to attach to the technical culture also the mental culture, the impact of which would let prepare better conditions for common life, just like now the conditions for an unbearable coexistence are prepared through uncultured thinking…
I was flooded with that knowledge and focused my sight only to what should happen and what impact it should have on the spiritual life of people and on the Teaching I had found and dug up from the rubbish heaped up on it throughout the history. I observed everything what was arising in relation to me, for I identified myself as the keeper of the Teaching who, being alone, could be liquidated by the spectres of time lest he should never pass on the Teaching for the good of mankind.
Well, what was at stake was the sceptre of power, which people are always willingly putting into the hands of the Demon of the Threshold that then protects this sceptre on hecatombs against more powerful men of Spirit. As a consequence of divine ordinance I was placed into the time during which mankind loses the last support of the smiling divine glare, into the time that is besides pregnant with the demon, the kind of which I know only from the deepest hells.
As I heard the talking about the progress and "one-thousand-years-old empire" that should come after the dictators, I had to simply suppress the malicious, senile, biting, sarcastic laughter arising in me, because I knew…
I was making mockery of everything. Both of people who thought that the political situation could be changed by a significant politician of his own free will and irrespective of the karmic potential of the nation coming from the past, and of people who believed that the truly bad situation might be the work of "black magicians".
Indeed, I knew those black magicians who, admittedly, did not believe in black magic, but worked in compliance with it. Yes, it was those intellectually underdeveloped men with whom I used to work on buildings and from whom I used to hear so often that they would have shown them (i.e. the ones who decided on economic and political circumstances).
Yes, it is just there where the black magic begins, that sowing of the inexorable reckoning with those who see the situation from the much wider viewpoint. And this magic always had and still has better conditions to find its place in the human world than the good magic has. For almost every man lets his greedy, envious and obtusely self-confident thinking take their course. On the other hand, the thought with regard to the wish of the good and to the readiness for self-sacrifice is almost impossible to find.
Yes. The world boasts about reaching the open-mindedness by means of which it should have got over the "heresies of the mystical superstitiousness", though in reality it just opened with inexpert psychology the door for the worst phenomena in common life. It pretends to know everything but it does not, because it does not want to know that the magic really exists. It exists simply in the natural condition and way of thinking, which may be considered a weaker sort of magic than which ritual magic calls forth; however, this natural state of thought has control over the opinions of every man, since, because generally accepted, it attains huge power.
It is a certain kind of suggestion, the source of which lies in space, in the region that yogis call chitta-kasha. If people want to get rid of this suggestion, they will have to try to plant into this chitta-kasha something else than what there is in it now and what has proliferated there based on the long-term mental indiscipline of people.
At that time the urgent danger was intensifying, and thus I started to be careful of myself. The liquidation of my human existence, which could be caused by a single imprudent step, would have brought, in my opinion, more harm than profit. However experienced I was then, time is still just a dimension, in which cracks arise here and there in the continuous row of stirred waves of the Great Darkness. And it was exactly those gaps into which I wanted to plant charges of the spiritual light. And even though I should have died on that way at the right time, I could have been calm, for I had carried out my duty till the Great End. It is, of course, better than to resign myself into the hands of a hangman who could take me to the Gate of Death and there, maybe with the hands of just a tiny Keeper of the Threshold, he could let my brain blow for "decoration" to deter those who would go with the opened eyes as myself.
Though, that knowledge did not make me a little creature that redeemed beatification or religious sacrament somewhere in a monk’s cell by wringing the hands and by pious rolling the eyes. I was still a man from the human world, and my surface was already free of any trace of a boasting and idle "mystic".
In the meantime, I observed the hot-tempered Mr. H. I thought I would take him for the first one of the truth-seekers as he had destructive mind of a communist meeting-breaker and a "dialectic logician". He bothered me sometimes with the way he manifested himself in moral respect, which should become lost in the abyss of the past time during the initiation process. So the time came when no more of his own free will but under my pressures his moral defects would have to fall as he was considered to be a disciple of the Great Way.
He caused affrays.
He did it even in my presence.
I faced him with maximized force and shouted:
"Now you say you’re an idiot!!"
Hesitating he was starting back but said nothing.
I was stepping toward him and urging him to comply.
He was stepping back.
I kept on proceeding.
It occurred to me: If he retreats as far as the window and refuses to reply, there will be no other way for me but to knock him out of the closed window with my fist, which means that I will become a murderer because there is concrete down there.
He was getting frightened. I began to understand: To become a murderer is not going to be my fate.
He said at last: "I’m an idiot."
I was not happy with his reply. He rounded it in his mind and presented to me in his confession this thought:
"I can afford to be an idiot. You know the virtues of my spirit."
I urged with strong words: "It’s pride. I want you to confess you’re an idiot, or else it will bring a disaster."
He was breaking down, had fear, and eventually he admitted with all his being:
"I am an idiot."
"I don’t want to speak with idiots," I swerved the direction of the meteor, "Get out!!"
I lost another man again. He stayed next door in the room. Some scamp or other placed on his door a plate with the name "gomchen" (i.e. hermit, lone ascetic). We were avoiding each other.
Then he should move away from us. In that connection I had before my eyes the light of the horrible knowledge of his coming fate. Therefore I wanted to detain him and I let him know over my wife, as he might not know that the impulse came from me.
She was not able to hold him up. And yet, after a little word of apology, I would have assured him that "it was just nothing". Though, he was a hard personality, and I accompanied his departure from us with a bad vision that Gestapo brought to life.
Meanwhile a silhouette was looming. Someone talked about me as about a mystic to one pharmacist; she concluded it could be "great fun" to meet some spiritist and she wanted to simply get delighted. Since the story about me was told her by one who could say, or better not-say, nothing in many words.
She sent me a letter of invitation. And because I would have travelled to see every man who took even the least interest in the Teaching, I accepted the invitation. Maybe she looked forward to some fun, maybe she was just curious. But she should not mistake. I was in the situation in which the being darts arrows of the spiritual power.
I got off the bus, introduced myself, and she asked me quickly if I could come later. She shook in her shoes and lost ground under her feet. So she wanted to "take breath".
I turned up in the afternoon. We talked about yoga, I examined her condition, but without suspending any judgement. Nevertheless, I recommended her to try some exercises in the evening.
I came the next day. She showed me the position of gods; I pushed her knees down to the floor, so much that she gave a shout of pain.
I was there the third day. I had had a dream in which I was stepping back quickly whereas she was moving towards me. Then I could not step back any more, I felt a steep slope behind me. She got close before me, so that I could see her face and observe every movement of it. With another pair of eyes I looked down under myself and concluded: If you girl knew what spot we are standing on, you would feel dizzy and then there would be just a fall into the dark, deep abyss of the intellectual misery and moral corruption.
But she looked at me. Then the scene was slowly changing; we were in a normal landscape. On the basis of it I decided right in the morning that "I would set things in motion". My mind was as motionless as a stone; my body pulsated and a peculiar atmosphere was generated. That became also evident on a man with a poor expression ability, who was constantly showing clumsy respect as he sat with us. Then suddenly everything began to have impact on him, he tumbled, frisked, and the lady was astonished by "what was the matter with Frantisek (Frank) ". I just said there was something in the air.
Well, yes. There was something happening. I was leaving (on) the fourth day, while the lady had a realisation and people could not recognize her as she had "a different nature than up till then".
She accompanied me to the train station. I was leaving, but everything that had just happened made me feel blue. Because no sooner had the train done just a couple of kilometres, than some questions arose in her, making her doubt whether all that had not been a mere dream.
I felt it as a bad recompense for a lot of work. I thought I would perhaps put on a star in my sky in that way, but – again, nothing came out of it.
To get this clear I just have to add that a realisation under certain circumstances means blossoming out an extremely gentle flower that can be blasted, like by frost, by a weak doubt against it. In the given case, the realisation was achieved by a woman who, as she told me, wanted to demonstrate the equal rights of men and women by smoking a pipe, hunting and I don’t know what else.
As I found out during my visit at her home, she showed all signs of someone who considered all her emotions as something that is necessary to assess very strictly and to prove the nature of it by mental sarcasm and by other demonstrations of pure rationalism.
That was exactly where I saw her maturity for mysticism, for that journey of horrible inner transformations that leave no stone of the former emotional structure standing.
Who of you all men and women I had known could equal that woman? Each of you had a certain emotional complex which he/she considered as himself/herself. That is why you seemed to me as material that is not suitable to be shaped, because each soft squeeze of the thumb, which is indispensable even if it is apparently pointless for creating the "inner work", would leave a permanent mark that would indicate that the material was not properly flexible and malleable.
So, during the whole way back on the train, I was busy meditating on the disappointment I had been given and, meanwhile, a new situation was forming at home.
Mr. B. inquired after the result of my mission. I answered that during those four days I had done so much work that even the most capable person might do on himself during two years. And that was all I meant to explain to him.
Quite a different situation arose concerning my wife. Her jealousy made her "clairvoyant", which means she unfolded a power that hurts its holder if he/she adds to the visions his/her judgements.
I came under fire of her reproaches, so I examined if those were legitimate at least in the depth of my subconscious. When I came to a negative conclusion, I hardened my heart.
Then the lady sent some news and I wrote my replies that should support her to lift again up to the level to which I had brought her during the four days. The blind jealousy, however, opened my table’s drawer, saw something there was not in reality, and it made her run to the river to get drowned; someone followed her, stopped her and brought back home – in a word – scene.
Couldn’t my wife comprehend that it was something else than the woman’s eyes that interested me? How should I set up with it now? I decided to respect her feelings to a certain extent, because the lady, pharmacist, faltered too early in the belief in the value of her experiences, but I accepted the will to respect her feelings only with a sense that it was her fault that I had to bury with my own hands the nascent light of the brahmic realm. In any case, through that action I came to the conclusion that both my judgements and the path were correct and that made me decide to stick on to my path in future once the portents shaped up better and propitious. For that matter, with respect to what had so far happened to me, it was only a reminder that I had to continue unless I wanted to belie myself and to bury in vain the treasure that I mined out as if by miracle in this world and in this life.
So there was a misapprehension that I could not take into account. I knew that the true inner life meant something more than personal wishes and demands, and it was the cause that I was losing all the interest in my wife and started to look ahead, there, where there was redemption waiting for me, with the possibility of sharing its concomitant states. But despite that decision I did not become one of the people who left the past in a state of inner indifference. I knew that all fate coincidences were interrelated in a logical thread and thus I resolved to act independently, though with respect to my wife’s inner condition. Such constellation can, however, bring a lightning of an apparent hardness and heartlessness, but on the other hand, one cannot act behind his back as an entirely tender being when one faces a situation that needs the warrior’s actions with all his heart and soul. That was a discrepancy that prepared me for unpleasant situations in the future; as I was, however, in struggle, I could only act to avoid my consciousness to accuse me of not having done something good I could have done. Anyway, the future should bring testimony…
During the whole period after the publishing of the book I met a lot of people. Besides, I learned that the book was not written by me but by someone else and I only added my signature to authorize it. That allegation was too strong even for one of the adherents of the "pupil-leader", and so he confirmed according to facts that he himself saw me writing it. But what could he see with his human eyes, when – as he could hear the president of the mystic association – Mr President, namely "pupil-leader", can "see you ladies and gentlemen what you have on your plates for dinner!". Such should be his clairvoyance.
Nevertheless, fate looked upon slanders and slanderers as dogs howling on the moon, and so the conditions for realizing my intention were gradually created: I will summon those who search!
I held conversations with Mr Neubert that met in person G. Meyrink whom I found, seeking in the invisible world, as the only man on the European continent who had attained a high-quality realisation. Mr Neubert got to know personally also Mrs A.D. Neel. By his own talks with those people he asked me with surprise where I had gained all those experiences that were obvious from my speech. I replied simply: "I raked in myself." Thereby I got his liking, which resulted in his sponsoring the publication of my first book.
Then I knew Dr. O. Elias whom I heard of as being a "living lexicon". The truth was that he was interested in meeting me. He made a deep bow before me like before a sage from the East, then he asked me where I learned of the possibility to "eat" the thoughts of telepaths, for he had believed up till then that the secret was known only to him and besides him to maybe three or four more people in perhaps Czech Republic, perhaps in Europe. He was amazed at what I told him about himself with the aid of direct detections and from dreams. Then he narrated me about the mystical background of the war of that time. He promised to give me the documents on the subject he possessed in due course.
Then there was the Nazi terror following the assassination of the Reichsprotektor Heydrich. I was about to visit him and I forgot to enter his house’s door.
I took it for a warning and then I learned Gestapo had arrested him. It was precisely that forgetting that saved my life. By the way, his speech seemed to indicate that he was informed of that future of his. Therefore, being still relatively young, he talked about the documents as about inheritance.
Then I met quite a few more people, but of all those acquaintances only an invitation to Cerveny Kostelec is worth a mention. I went on invitation to one miss’ flat, who was specific by having a typical detail on her head – a curious hut-shaped chignon. She wished to be a good hostess, but she alone did not want to "badger" me, so she introduced me to several people, of which I remember only four.
Firstly there was some "nature healer".
I visited his usual kitchen that was an alchemic kitchen at the same time. It seemed to me that he bragged a bit and so, "throwing him on the ground" (metaphorically), I declared, when I was already fed up with it, "I believed there were people in the world". His complicated being considered it a theme for a profound philosophical debate. Something tickled me in my throat, simply some leftovers of meal. In his alchemic kitchen everyone could obtain health for a small recompense, perhaps even I with my heart already ill. There lay a snotty-nosed baby in a cradle with symptoms of an illness and besides, some two children [of that guy], who looked same but were a bit older.
That visit was quite enough for me to feel even more ill. The hostess and her companion, who was closer to me, may have seen it on me and so they remarked: "We have something better to show you now."
The companion went to a distant town in the same evening and, meanwhile, two old biddies came to look at me.
I am no saint in my heart; I am more of a tomcat that shows his claws even when caressed.
I won’t say anything, I resolved.
The biddies waited for some "brother" to come.
When he came, I manoeuvred in the conversation so that nothing better came out of it except for some empty talks about the "nasty weather" we had.
The hags were tired of those idle talks and so they decided to leave. The miss and her companion were seeing them out. There was nobody else in the room, I shoot just two questions at the "brother": "So you attained and nobody knows about it?"
He nodded because he understood.
The real tears welled up in my eyes for I realized: The first man of all those "masters" I had met so far that achieved something real. Then I behaved in a strange manner and after the old man had left, the miss’ companion said in surprise: "It was the first time I saw you as a bhakti."
I replied: "Of course, I did talk to a bhakti."
So I knew the "brother". But did he also recognise me? Having seen me going on the very side of the infernal precipice, he thought in his plainness that the one who goes through such a region is devil himself. What could he simpleton know about the man who experienced ages and in that one life climbed up a tree that struck its roots in illiteracy, while its crown raised up to wisdom? He believed in his simplicity that the divine children might have only obtuse mind that could be found in a stone-black brain, in a brain similar to his, in his case, however, overshone by the light of paradisiacal hedonism. How could he understand someone to whom even the hedonism, which indulges merely in divine spheres, appears as something so dangerous, something that might result in a new, maybe even worse incarnation than the one I obtained in this life for just a small infraction hidden in an obligatory inflammation of a warrior?
Yes, he was convinced that it would have been impossible that any of the things that had happened to me could befall him, too, because he considered himself devoted to God. And so he behaved as if he had known nothing at all that God had also other children besides him man clinging to the divine skirts. He should look about the world and try to see the bottom of the human soul in order for him to know, as I do, that almost every soul in the human body is conditionally divine and that the soul’s external obscuration is merely something very relative, a skin that under certain circumstances fall off to let the shining essence of divinity show.
Hence, he would not have had to warn everyone about me and should attach importance to the common sense rather than to his clairvoyance, as the former is in many cases more reliable than the very divine vision. He should realize that the divine vision tempts the spiritual babies as well as the older children to seeing as a sign of infernal karma even that someone, working solely on the divine opus, has to make a navvy and gets dirty at this work.
Yes. Membership of heaven is not documented only by a black and hardened brain and by watching beautiful flowers and fruits in paradise, but also by the involvement in the divine work, where man gets dirty from top to toe. It is actually obvious also from the fact that the world, however being subject to the passions coming from the self (ego), rebels very often just because it wants to get to God, too.
And if the anthropomorphic God is not believed in today, then we who want to take pride in being mystics should give higher God to the world; let’s offer Brahman, for it is just this God that represents the climax of the path characterized by development of the clear sense and scientific spirit. Or, do you all mystics like Rydl want to assert that only your God is the true God as the Church has been claiming, the Church that, after it had reached power, was able to slaughter out of love in the same abundant way as the ruling and other political tyrants of that time? Away with such a mystic teaching! Let the light of the true absolute shine for us! Since only in the gleam of the absolute the tendency toward the mystical greediness fades away and, instead, wisdom and prudence arise as the features of the wise who are free from the proud self-importance of spiritually empty people who, on the other hand, brim over with ignorance.
That is what both of you, Rydl and Bedrich (Czech names), should know. You should know, as I do, that in relation to the world man is not better through some however high and good mystical experiences, but only and only through behaviour by means of which one man can bring another one to the light of knowledge. Yes, I can complain! I can complain about the mystics who feel to be superhumans due to a certain number of poor experiences, in reality, however, if they may have succeeded in wiping human qualities out of their minds, they did not succeed in eradicating bad streaks in their characters. That makes me know: These people will not change the world. They let guide themselves by the ideas that do not uproot their rotten egos but only accentuate some experiences. For that reason they remain just reflections of starlight in a muddy puddle.
Besides, I hold the opinion that the purpose of mystical efforts lies in the ability and the strength to live in accordance with the law of liberating morality, not in mystical results. I can even see the mystical results only just in the ability and the strength to live according to the moral precepts of yoga, for all the karma finds its support only in the way of natural living, feeling and thinking. By this thesis we can assume that firm line of behaviour by the moral tenets of yoga will be reflected in natural and immediate experiencing, which every man cares about primarily, even when one attaches, from ignorance, a lot of importance to magical effects.
Yes! It is life conditions that concern us, while magical effects are found desirable only as long as our life problems lie in outer life circumstances. On this account, the so-called mystical results are unessential. These are divorced from the normal life, and so it is necessary to embrace the basic moral guidelines leading to redemption and, by observing these, to eradicate every interest in magical effects and phenomena and hence also in one’s mortal self. Thereupon man becomes only a small being, but with the ability to get to heavens by one’s moral power… All the rest is just a futility nourishing the concealed or evident megalomania that knocks the man going the mystical path down to hell.
Then that man who was said to "be able to speak" crossed my path for the second time. Dr. K. remembered him to me saying that he was appraised very positively.
I agreed to meet him again.
I went to see him at his office where we said just a few words and made an appointment with him after working hours. When we were outside, Dr. K. asked me about my view of him and he added that he expected me to ironize that man or to serve some other trick.
I said that he had mystic eyes and he was maybe "finished" (mystically). Dr. K asked me what mystical eyes I meant, and I replied in an obscure way: "Such round ones, you know."
Later, as we met again the "man who could speak", I asked him two questions:
By those two answers I deduced that he had really achieved the "realisation", because on the one hand he had signs of it and on the other hand he proved that those signs did not result from an ecstatic state of mind coming from worshipping the "pupil-leader" and, he did not invoke any obeisance of Mrs J. in the manner of worldly braggarts. I felt happy to find already second man who also "attained" without having been in touch with me. Thus I was relieved of an overwhelming mental load from fear that my condition was too a rare phenomenon.
I regarded the finding out that there were no people who did something in "mysticism" as a strong argument against myself in the mystical sense of the word, as I was convinced that if those realisations were without parallel, they could be expression of absolute rarity of my state that could be, however, both correct and incorrect.
A recuperative factor for the positive judging of my mystical results were the moments in the course of the eight days of my realisation. At that time I came to know, found out and verified from the very essence of my being that the price I had just gained was true, that it was something that all people search in a correct or incorrect way and even in the world, in spiritism, in the religious belief and in all forms of mysticism and otherwise. My ascertainment was shattered not until I found a concrete fact that my achievement was without parallel either in the world or there, where one could feel the breath of solemnity and respect, mysterious allusions and confidence of one’s own sanctity and unction, that is in fact there where something like that could be found most easily because it had also the right company name, I mean in mystic groups and companies.
On the basis of that knowledge I began to slowly lose the certainty that my realisations had absolute character, and it seemed to me that to lose that certainty is better than to judge from the actual situation that I had gone the right path whereas all other people I had met had taken false ways. I saw that as a well-plastered path leading nicely to pride and later to annihilation of one’s own spirituality.
I was entirely assured of correctness of the teaching I had known. I found confirmations in teachings of the great religions that I came to know both from direct insight and from information given to me by religious people. Realisations are, however, something different; here one can form an inexhaustible number of mental surges and visionary perceptions that one has not tied up with iron hoops of unprejudiced thinking.
Did I succeed in harnessing those? I could think so, but – every man sticks to his conviction that he is objectively perceiving and judging man, even if he changes his opinions and convictions from month to month, from year to year. It appeared to me as a malicious trap that only those with huge intellect could successfully avoid. But I was only a man with a lack of intellectual education, after all. That is the only reason that I will be able to believe everything I attained when I can verify everything on another man.
But neither you Bedrich (Friedrich) made it possible for me to verify my realisations. I saw on you that you wore the self-confidence of someone who comforted oneself to have experienced and known more than other people. I would not mind that flaw of yours very much because I know how to eliminate slag from the true state. But this slag must not be on the increase after the experience, on the contrary, the amount of it must decrease.
In your case, however, I could observe you were developing toward the conviction that it was only yourself who had knowledge. I wonder if you recognize that it is a chute leading to subsequent spiritual degeneration, to the return to samsaro, into the world of suffering.
If it is true that, today that I write these lines, your adherents claim that the Christ that should come to the world somewhere on 50 degrees latitude north, as predicted by some medieval prophet, has been already born and that they have been in touch with him, then – you are sliding down the chute. After all, you can see it in your conviction that only yourself know and understand. The problem is that the world is not in a nut-shell so that there may not happen more than that in one heart arises a conviction about oneself as about someone who knows, understands and attained most of all. For example, the one who was making his own universe is still alive and holds the same conviction.
My landlord let me know then that he was about to go on pension and so he would like to move into his house. Now, I should change residence. I was pondering over that situation and what appeared to me as necessary was to get a domicile similar to the last one. I was considering the danger of another moving and I concluded that the best solution would be to have a house of my own. It was a device that seemed extreme to my fellows in mysticism due to my financial situation of that time, but both the one who wanted to sell a house and the money needed to buy it came. There was only a little hitch in that matter. A licensing procedure was imposed on the house and that made me buy the house in the name of Mr B., who settled in our [new] house with the intention to stay permanently.
I felt independent since. But there was another, new trouble trying to assert in my life: All of a sudden my wife sank to my feet with exclamation of insanity. Immediately upon she could not recognize either me, or our son, or Mr B.
I intended to go to the capital (Prague) to visit some friends-mystics the next day and as I did not want to cancel the trip I decided to take her and our son with me. We had some provisions for my wife’s sister, so I resolved: There are usual controls on the excise-line and we have some butter and other stuff. We could be checked and if the "G.I. officers" (government issue) found the stuff, they would confiscate it all as it was the common practice. Hence, our son will go with mother and I will pass alone.
But the son was turning his head to look at me and so my wife became panic-stricken, got lost in the crowd and fled. The problem was that she did not know the capital. So I let page her on the radio in the railway station and then went to the police. I did not find her, but then suddenly something crossed my mind, I went to her sister and found my wife in her flat.
Her consciousness cleared up just as she was going downhill where we had once walked together. Afterwards she found the right way.
So I left her there, paid all scheduled visits and then we set off back for home. She thought we were going to the gas to be poisoned and I was afraid of a scene in the train. Fortunately she calmed down in the end. But then, upon arrival, she did not want to leave the station for home because "everything was shrouded in gas".
I took my wife to her brother to the mountains where she remained as late as the death of the Reichsprotektor (Chancellor of the German Reich). On that very day I went to see her but as I was in a hurry at the departure, I left behind my identity card. For that reason I was going back home early in the morning. The stations were, however, secured by military and so I wished that the train stopped outside the depot. It did so. I was going quickly down to the railway embankment, then I heard some exclamation that should warn me, I started back and – a step before me a train tore by on the second track.
Later, when the first terror wave eased off, I brought my wife home; she was not quite sane, and I knew that my presence would have a very bad influence on her. Nevertheless, I did not give her to the hands of doctors, for I trusted myself more than medicine. Under those conditions I had to pay the highest attention to my behaviour, since there was a danger that she would loose her temper hysterically. Well, those circumstances guaranteed me to live in mental stresses and other troubles for the nine following months.
When my wife had been mad for a certain time, she suddenly stretched out her arms in clouded consciousness and told me: "Those German soldiers there in Russia suffer terribly. I want to protect them and save them."
I checked up on her condition and deduced from what was just happening and from what had preceded, that she could expect a beautiful realisation, since in her madness there were moments of compassion arising rather than of apathetic resignation pervaded by horrifying instinctive complexes.
However, my view of the German soldiers was different. It corresponded with the conviction of the suffering world and was even strongly against "the Germans", as they seemed to me the hands of the Keeper of the Threshold…
Over was the period that should bring success to my desire to join the mystics who were successful on the mystic path. I wished to enter in their rows as a man with mystical experiences, as someone who had never increased in my self-confidence over their level as of the still seeking people. However, I was refused as someone who knew from the whole mysticism only "A" or at the most "B", but actually nothing more. I had to take an advice that even such a man like the simple Rydl, who touched the divine spheres by means of emotional effort, was able to do from a couple of divine feelings and perceptions a monumental experience of a man by the Grace of God, whom nobody could approach in greatness even though he had evidently no success in development of intelligence with the aid of the mystic teaching. Nevertheless, he was a man without any school education and did not possess the brightness of a sage. For that reason I held nothing against him, until he came so far that he only warned others against me. But there was also Hejhal, the "man who could speak". Even in his case, in my effort to find cooperation with mystics, I had to discover his false self-assurance that he knew everything while other people knew nothing, and I could not but judge by his opinion that he considered himself a man who wanted to suppress his existing imperfection by shouting "I, I !!" into the tranquil mystic spaces, which is in fact a beginning of going astray rather than accomplishing on the steep mystical path.
Besides those two persons who were to a certain degree successful in their mystical endeavour, I came across some other masters and little masters who had from mysticism nothing but self-confidence of liars who believed they were better than normal people, as the former knew something the latter did not. There was e.g. "man in nirvana" whose Buddhism vanished into strange things. Then an educated and, due to his moral life, highly esteemed man who, against all the good and reasonable, invited Japanese emperor Hirohito, Hitler and Mussolini to come to his Slovak village, wanting to give them his fatherly advice (!) so that they should not act like scoundrels. But there was yet another mystic, whose whole mystical practice commenced with the state of nirvikalpa-samadhi, and thus he took for good only so called sahaja-nirvikalpa-samadhi, which is a state that I well acquainted during my strolls in the spaces of the striving mystics. It is a state that several gods-hathayogis realized; I did not acknowledged that state as good for myself, as I recognized that it could not clear away the subtle slag of the self-confidence and self (I-ness) of the being, which in the lives of those gods resulted in a lack of possibility to realize the absolute.
There were other mystics besides the mentioned ones. One of those, for example, said that as he and some of his friends, as adherents of Weinfurter, practiced, they had magnificent results. And as the highest of those successes he mentioned the immediate reaction to his interest in female sexual feelings, i.e. experiencing those feelings. But the most suspicious of all those [would-be mystics] was an extreme megalomaniac, who said he had a master from India, with whom he communicated – at first perhaps normally, by letters, whereas during the occupation - allegedly in the telepathic way. He was so good that he wanted to get me some advice from his master, unfortunately the master was just moving from India to Tibet. He talked about the moving for a few years and he always added "just", whence one could conclude anything. In addition to those there was a number of less typical mystics, but all had one in common. Those were people of false and petty interests shrouded in thicker or thinner clouds of ignorance – a fact they wanted to drown down by the slogan: "See what I know and understand! This is the maximum one can know". Withal, many of them, which was actually the worst thing about them, acclaimed communism as a universal factor for realizing their mystic dreams. That was a disgusting result of their depravity, moral delusion and insatiable sensual greed.
It was precisely that drastic lesson that uprooted from me the aspiration to be a small mystic among small ones who bowed to the Supreme Majesty, and it made me mount the mystic Pegasus that was pushed to me perhaps by the very archangel Gabriel. And on that Pegasus I set off for a further journey toward the mystic heights of those initiates who are strong, have the teaching and keep going forwards…