When I entered the mystical path, right on the day I resolved to observe all the principles of yoga and, therefore, also an absolute celibacy, a girl came into my life. Of course, I could not take it for granted; it became a complex for me. I was dealing with it in the way a yogi must not deal with. I was sending her back ?to her? as an imagination with a wish of all the best. In this way, however, I also entered into a connection, which is not allowed, if everything on the mystical path, all kinds of mystical experiencing, is to happen without any response in the "world". That means that I was freeing myself the way only a dilettante can do. I gave her a wish of all the best and thus a piece of myself, too. And so, in the moment I was facing a hostile tension of elements, the knowledge arose that my experiences resulted in a response also in the being that surely could not have liked me, me a scum of the world, not owing to my wickedness but because of my poverty.
I resolved to fix all that. For that reason I approached her and went out with her for some time, and all that was done only for the purpose of destroying her affections towards me. I was not very successful in doing it. It was more obvious to me than to her. Meanwhile, a poisonous tension was shooting here and there in my body and was calling for a solution. I could not wait any longer. I confessed her that she was attractive for me and that I would have given my word to her if she had admitted and adopted my yoga. But even mere trifles caused fear in her. It was because I read her thoughts, recounted her night dreams and seemingly innocently told her something about ideals of young girls while she recognized that they were ideals from her childhood and, she told me later: "If you are so clairvoyant, tell me what my father is doing right now." I answered: "I'm running there to have a look." In five seconds I said: "It does not matter, what he is doing right now, but when we have come there, he will be climbing down the pear tree." In an hour she could see for herself that it was really like that.
To my declaration she answered that if I stopped doing yoga, everything would be good. – I was clear about it. I have to abandon her and I must do it quickly. I went away very quickly with a feeling that I grew before her as a strange, non-worldly, unknown and unrecognisable creature.
It resulted in a storm that did not want to calm down. Because I could not correct anything of what I had committed with a good intention, without malice, I decided to conjure up. I did not want to give my feelings to the world as feelings of spiritually living people, because I knew already that it is a sin, which needs to be avoided. I was allowed to try to offer those feelings to the world as a mystic doctrine, only as a doctrine.
I conjured up and before my eyes darkness rose, which made me believe that my yoga would remain secret.
Meanwhile, all the powers in me began, in a strange manner, to lead up to discharging in exclusively one direction. I did not like that. I was used to directing all processes in the psychic world by myself. But what should I do, after all. I wished to live the perfection in the natural state and therefore my path was not yet over. So I decided to go on without knowing how.
One day, I went for a walk. It was September, slightly rigorous weather. Some strange poisons were circulating in my body, which forced me to balance permanently the inner states. Suddenly I noticed that something glowing, similar to a pancake, was landing onto the top of my head. I thought: I have to try to expel it from my body. So I focused myself directly against a whole range of feelings, mostly unfavourable ones. I resisted them by means of the widest possible spread of the feeling that is connected with the state of consciousness that exist at the border of timelessness and limitlessness. This feeling is, that is to say, cooling and extremely effective.
But this feeling, instead of eliminating the others, mixed with the latter. And lastly, the glowingly poisonous feeling was descending. It was in my neck already, and I could only watch as if everything in my neck became swollen and darkened by some evil magnetic tension. And the feeling was descending lower. It was in the chest already and along with it a spasmodic pain appeared in my breast.
I apprehended something fearful was about to come. I could feel already that some sort of a demonic power entered into my eyes, which was documented so that just one look at a horse pulling a cart struck it to the ground. - Maybe only a random accident, I tried to excuse my grave suspicion. Therefore I went on. – Another cart, look at the horse and the horse again fell down to the ground as if hewed down...
I made no more excuses whatsoever. I quickly returned home and avoided looking at anybody.
The hurricane broke out.
A r e a l i s a t i o n came up.
By the influence of the realization I should expect to be able to bear divine feelings, consciousness and knowledge in the natural state ?of being?. I did not know at all then, however, what I would have to pay for it. The pure infernal fire reached my feet already and was coming back to the top of my head. Over and over again were descends and ascends of the infernal fire repeated, and they alternated maybe in just a few seconds. I tried to save the psychic neural centres in and along the backbone by the power of seeing, but I did not succeed. An extreme fatigue turned up within a short time due to the exhausting force and the influence of the infernal fire. And so, the waters of Styx, not less poisonous, were mixing with the flames of hell...
All the psychic centres were already engulfed by the furious elements, namely by fire, darkness and chaos. The lotuses were rotting and I had to smell the heavy putrid smell in my neck…
So I drew my attention to more pleasant things. I caught at just a dim light, which only recently was the divine light reaching out to the most distant parts of the universe. I even had to hold tight to it. Since new waves of the pre-chaos that means blending darkness with light, pleasant feelings with unpleasant ones, all good with evil, veiled the horizons of my view and induced unbearable feelings of the "horrible initiation", during which all unripe, sickly, human and temporal was and had to be erased. And in my ears terrible whistle, rattle and cracking noise already roared, and they culminated in unbearable sounds of as if the earth cracked into halves. So what else could I do than to draw my attention to the tranquillity that recently lulled me to blissful states! But drawing the attention this way was not an easy thing to do. The fire in my body acted as a demon; my body began to get covered with small red spots, stigmas, similar to burn-marks, and that occurred all over my body except for my feet, hands, neck and face. Moreover, I was becoming a victim of unbearable mental states of obviously mystical nature. That does not mean, however, that these states documented the experience of some kinds of abstractions, but they turned up to be a sort of imprinting essential life experiences into the being, of which one can obtain only very little in the common way of life. It is exactly owing to that fact that the tumultuous swells of vital forces, representing a real mystical realization, are the real process that always appear to be very painful in the immediate sense, but from the standpoint of a long period, as a process uprooting the hunger for, at least at the level of tendencies that appear otherwise as cravings, lust. For this reason, the real mystical realization can be regarded as a success in interventions into the cohesion of the vital components, which is manifested in the changes of their mutual interactions, and this fact alone, i.e. independently of one's will, causes mystical dissolution, depressions, crises of essential condition, and electromagnetic reversals within the being. These reactions altogether mean a process of transubstantiation, which, on the assumption that the mind is kept in the undifferentiated sphere, brings us to the light of cognition of the supramundane or divine qualities. The knowledge of those is connected with consciously tying them to the self-consciousness that manifests itself as the Self; this is the first step on the path leading to the next, so called Great realization, which we may qualify as Nirvana.
My suffering lasted for several days already. The fire reciprocated from the head to the feet and from the feet to the head practically in no time, and each ascend was a mystical progress to the spiritual and mystical glory, and the descend, on the other hand, meant a fall to the weakest humane state. Yes! I recognized the mystical path, because I passed it once, twice, ten times, hundred times, several hundred times, always with the ascending and descending fire.
My eyesight was already so refined that I could see through walls like through rather denser clouds. I called for help and saw an old man come to me from an enormous distance, who approached me at a huge speed in just a few seconds moving with curiously contrasting tiny steps as he was coming somewhere from a land in distant Orient. Here he stands in front of me and I complain: "Look what's the matter with me." As a reaction to my complaint, a trace of smile appeared in his face, which implied understanding. He nodded his head and I understood: Everything is all right. - But what is all right? A terrible feeling raged in my breast threatening that my body would explode like the bodies of those black magicians who misapplied their initiations. And these unbearable feelings forced me to stand only beside my body that let me perceive rather dull feelings. During this period, something like a cherub incarnated into me, and my body fell insensibly to the ground…
Some time later I awoke to physical awareness but the sort of consciousness that is normally active in the worldly pursuits was entirely died. – "Perhaps I’ve gone mad. If not for myself, then certainly for other people." I had no criteria of comparison. Anyway, I wanted to save myself. So in my inner sight I visualized particular figures of visible objects and tried to be precisely aware of myself at the same time. I knew that it would save me.
With all that, the visions and experiences continued. My body was hit by a whip, that wound round my body, something spat into my face, on my head a crown of thorns was put, something like a hat or tiara, and a wreath of thorns wrapped my heart that was stabbed, whenever it wanted to burst apart from tension. In reality I coughed out whole lumps of blood and, at the level of feelings, it seemed to me that a sharp saw was running inside my chest across the breast-bone in front, which caused feelings that, in my opinion, were beyond the ability of human to stand pain. During this process, some very dark creature seceded from my body and, staggering, went away from me. It made me see it as a materialized complex of my own sins and karmic tension, all that originating from an immense history. I was afraid of returning this creature into my body so I opposed it by cursing it so as to make it become still darker and thus qualitatively more different from my being currently undergoing a purification process.
But even though all these experiences and states were unbearable, I was far from thinking of death. It would be in fact a relief and liberation. Therefore I had to bear this sawing and other mystical states, until the pain overcame itself in those horrible feelings. At the same time some snake wound round my decimated body and erected sharply its head with the poisonous and brisk tongue against my face with a shrill hissing sound. I was wound too tight to move. But instead of fear a resignation and blessing the snake arose in me, and that happened faster than death could come. But at the moment the snake was already unwinding and creeping away strengthened, while in my belly a baby, born during the critical states, began to cry. And in my mind an awful suspicion blazed up: Does all this come from black or white magic? Finally I decided: It cannot be black magic, because I wished for and I wanted the good and I observed the command to wish the good to all beings, that Buddhist metta, which the instructive book about yoga suggested as one of the moral requirements. But then, again, another suspicion arose: Hasn’t there been a wish for evil, power and dominion over something somewhere in my subconscious? But some invisible terrible hand suddenly reached into the live flesh of my heart, seized something and tore it off my body without any compassion or understanding of the pain it was causing me.
I was breaking down physically and at the same time the knowledge arose: This is an eradication of the flower of evil. Yes, the evil was within me even though I might have thought I was good and blameless, because, as a citizen I did not do anything that is considered as bad. And this, as I know nowadays, concerns every human who would like to revive mystically and reach where, in my opinion, Christians get for their spotless lives and affiliation to some Christian church.
Later I felt a sword hilt in my hand. I lifted it before my eyes, that invisible sword. Divine force sprang forth from it, and I was able to put a smile on my face about what an impressive plaything was put into my hands. In the meantime, some shadowy figures were gathering around me forming a semi-circle. I could not move on. But I did not care of anything. The sword seemed to be very impressive and so it was the only object of my interest. But what is it…? Why do the creatures stand before me unable to move forward? I turned the spike of the sword against them. They were falling without any touch of my invisible sword… "Is this the cause?", I thought.
It is beneath the warrior's dignity to fight with the advantage of a forceful magical weapon. I took the sword in both hands and broke it over my knee. And the sword gave a ringing sound of metal being broken. Then I threw both halves away.
The broken sword did not strike the ground yet and the crowd of bloodthirsty dark beings overwhelmed me. I was fettered, lifted and crucified on a cross. Not to the typical Christian one, as it is seen on pictures, this one was made out of two wooden beams put one across the other. I fainted, but then I regained consciousness again…
I concluded the best thing to do would be not to play theatre to anybody. I transferred my consciousness within me onto another component and thereby I freed myself from the body. Then I descended from the cross and, looking at myself hanging on the cross, I smiled at myself and decided to leave. Right hereupon a cloak came down on me making me untouchable, and a cap that made me invisible even for those invisible creatures.
I passed though them as if through a dense fog, as they appeared to me, slightly striking their bodies that were now like of fog for me…
I was in my earthly senses again, in the body working at the working desk in the workshop. I put myself together with a great effort, while, some years later I was said that it was quite obvious about me that I was probably running crazy at that time. But who would not run crazy in a situation where two worlds merge, where one pair of hands produces goods and another pair does something quite different far away from the body.
I kept quiet about what I was experiencing, and I tried to be at the working desk as much as ever possible, even with a total strain of all my forces. I was in urgent need of relief from the outer occupation. The body of a boy cannot stand forever the burden being beyond all comprehension and endurability. And to leave the job? I did not have home and so I would have to live somewhere in a haystack without any food. And the mystical matters did not accept any commands. They simply continued…
My consciousness made another shift. I stood before the cross saying about the Crucified: Sure, he was the Son of God. I ran away from the cross and in that existence I died, then I observed myself in the next existence and I died again and, repeatedly, I died and was reborn, twenty four times in a noble estate. And I saw that it was the passion of a fighting soldier in the past life that brought me to such a hard incarnation, in which unspeakable poverty and unimaginable hardship were my lot. All that did not let me take breaths of freedom like other children that can consider the home they were born in their own. And then? I lost even that home where I used to be said to be an unwelcome alien there. I did not have anybody and thus, will he, nil he, I had to be God's child, even though the royal Jupiter determined my relation to God. By the way, I have proven it already. I have bowed before the Goodness, the Truth and the Law of karma, but I have not bowed before God and - I never would. But reader, this is not so simple an attitude as can be pronounced. You should hear the one whom I took across the Threshold of the mystical death, what he answered to my mystical statement that there is God is and to another one, that there is no God. Anyway, here is the answer:
When you feel so strong that there is no power to overcome you, then you say there is no God. But when you, for some reason, feel, that there is a power that is overcoming you, then you say that there is God.
Yes, so it is. There have been moments when I feel myself as somebody whose power is bigger than the whole universe can ever generate. Where is any God, then? But this state of consciousness is not permanent. There are states coming, in which I recognize that there are also such ?states? that overcome the present state of mine. Those on the whole represent my God. Except for this God there is no other related to an individual. That was clear to me already, and I knew that the religious adherents who look at this matter different way only aspire to engage in heresies, the same way I tried to uproot them. But how could I interfere in it? The truth is that I knew that every man at every time and on every stage of his development thinks to know everything best of all and, besides, so many teachings admitting or denying God and explaining the Truth in all sorts of ways press upon and try to influence man, that it is advisable not to interfere with the doctrinal systems. Besides, the realisation of the terrible initiation was not finished yet. It was manifested in myriad of states and experiences totally absorbing all of my attention.
All of a sudden I noticed an interesting thing. In addition to the hellish fire burning off every single trace of disorder in my being, there was another wave going high and down. There were times when I felt myself even incredibly weary and, at some other times, on the contrary, full of strength, highly above average. Looking into a calendar I found out that I was in the weakest condition at a new moon, while the strongest condition came at a full moon. After a couple of months I was already afraid of each new moon coming. I am talking about the time after the unbearable rage of the infernal fire. The fire became more endurable after eight days, as it changed into fire of very pleasant and delightful nature.
As during those eight days something like a cherub incarnated into me to do "order" in me, and he did it very easily, while I could to only suffer hard that "order-doing", it seemed to me that I had passed through a substantial leg of mystical dying. The image of that dying is the physical death, so I acquainted myself with the processes of the real death, which I recognized in detail in the course of my further life as thoroughly as a common person knows some piece of his inventory. But nobody but God knows if it always happens like that. After something like a cherub "had done order" in me, I found out that it was some old man who had incarnated into me. I knew very well he was a specialist in mysticism, an Oriental. Later I learned: some Tibetan lama.
A curious and incomprehensible situation, should it be solved. An unknown man moved into me and did not care a bit that I myself still dwelled in my body. But he did not obstruct me after all; my body could hold both of us quite easily. What was most strange about it was that I could not ascertain any kind of a double identity. I was only one and did not know exactly if it was that lama or me. --- I comprehended the identification process. Human is human, and once he realizes the absolute, he starts to be the absolute. At the same time he will not learn whether he is still man or the absolute already. There is no evidence whatsoever which could verify it. The cause is that the past condition is easily forgotten, like some dream. The present comes simply into the mind and the past is gone; then we think falsely and proudly it is still we. Who knows what that Tibetan lama or myself-of-then might have thought. It seems that the Buddhas of the past, the present or the future will probably not get to the bottom of this enigma. The double incarnation makes the situation too delicate; the Selves get confused and mix up and, as I came to know 20 years after my first realisation, during the second one, we do not have any proof of our identity. I found out that we think to be still in this life in which we were yesterday, while we may have abandoned our bodies already and, now we are engaged ourselves in our notions of the posthumous life. I know very well, indeed, that reflections of creatures living on this earth run also in other dimensions, and therefore, there is never a reason for us to be sure we are living without having died yesterday…
And a further proof that the incarnation of the Tibetan lama was not only my "suggestion"? I got knowledge of Tibetan mysticism, and yet I had not been instructed theoretically in a single word about it. Moreover, I lived in the European world, the living space of which is overloaded by dualistic religious view, and thus this milieu influences every truth seeking man as a factor that is known by the term "mass suggestion". Oh yes. In spite of my living among Europeans whose religious persuasion is shaped by dualistic conception of laws of life, yet in me have been developed such thinking and opinion, which arrange the psychical tensions of the cosmos in six samsaric classes. The personifications of those classes are apprehended primarily as personal afflictions and only secondarily they represent hierarchic order of beings. Would it have been possible at all for me to reach such religious-cosmological views if there were and developed in me no potential of an entirely different kind than just the European feeling of powerlessness with respect to the psychic-gravitational force of the cosmos? And moreover: On the European continent there is in a relative sense no teaching at all of the kind I found within myself and which puts humans on a par with Gods as equal beings, and which knows how to classify even Brahma or God-creator as a quality that is possible of realising by the proper way of life and orientation, not just to see him as a being superior to and holding rule over us if we believe in him at all. Well then. It would be too daring from the psychological point of view to assert that the attitude and orientation I attained through realisation and incarnation processes were a product of a mere chance. As to the rest, we should let psychologists explain everything if they are able and willing to…
The eight days were not over yet, though. The violent waves of the realisation continued; my body was burnt off by the terrible fire and was ill. I would remain in a cataleptic state instead of sleeping; then I heard my boss go around me when he came to wake me, I heard him even talk, but I had no control of my body. The danger of my own present situation was quite obvious to me. I was just an employee here, after all - and I was seemingly dead as if really dead. Fortunately I could perform operations with the consciousness. I made it slip into the physical body, into the legs and the arms, when suddenly the normal state appeared without the previous lethargy having been too striking.
I had to get up and go to work. The body did not want it. It was seriously ill. But nothing doing! I tried to get up.
It was impossible.
I lifted myself on the elbows.
I sat up. But then…I was not able to get my legs down from the bed
So I had to lie down again, push one leg down from the bed, then the other.
Both fell down. Then again. Leaning against the elbow I sat up.
The boss was sitting on the windowsill and it seemed to him that I was rousing myself too long.
I was silent and rose from the bed. Then I let the boss go ahead and, leaning against the wall on one side and the furniture on the other, I went to the workshop.
Going down the staircase I had to be careful not to fall. Thus the way down from the second floor to the ground floor took me fairly long time.
There was really hard work for me in the workshop and I was not sure if I would make it. Luckily, I worked in the preparation room, so I stayed here two hours only alone. I toiled wearily along from one work to another. It was necessary to stoop and to work with the bent back. A ghastly headache when I stooped felt so severe that I had to wait for a while as I had dark before my eyes. Then the pain wore off so that I could finish my work.
Then I drew up. The same headache again, which wore off a short while later. And so, on that day, which could be called the worst of all in a subjective sense, everything was done well by me with only a small trouble.
The following work to be done was fast and exhausting. And during it various visions and processes were coming. I saw demons, the universe, went through the people’s souls, could feel flames on my head licking the heaven’s door, then I was falling in my inner body on my knees over a wide open abyss, whereas an angel seized me and held me; maybe he saved me from a fall into hells, from the fall after which human will only be born in hell.
At that time, however, my situation seemed to be getting better. I suddenly beheld some sort of effulgence coming out of my abdomen and some spirits were sitting down on it. In the light of that radiance, I was able to see through walls and I myself became possibly visible, too, at least for the creatures of other levels, because some honourable man in a canon’s robe came to see me. He might have been dead for a long time already, but he roamed about his former abode, from where I saw him walk toward me. He was here already addressing me: "Why, so young you are and beam with wisdom?"
"Since I’ve sacrificed myself," I reply.
He asks: "How’s it done?"
"Lie down here on the dough," I give him advice.
And once he did so, I spread his body on the stuff, with which it merged. At that moment quivering wisps began to float up as though to heaven that opened up. A mighty hymn of angelic choirs greeted the liberated soul, exempt at least from the dark sphere of ghosts abiding the places on earth where they used to live, dwell and work as they were human, bonded by the place and qualities of soul and, of course, accepting entirely the activity of senses and mediating functions of those.
But the eighth day was here. My agony in the second awareness had lasted three days already. Suddenly I felt that I was lying unconscious on a gloomy path of the sombre astral sphere, on the path leading up to the end of life. At the same time I was in my body and dead, too, as I could observe from quite other illusory body of mine, which was perhaps bardo-body. Finally disappeared completely everything…
Someone took me by the shoulder, shook with me and I heard his voice: "Get up, it’s time to go to work…" I heaved myself and gazed. A young man about twenty-six years old was leaving the place where I lay. "Christ", occurred to me. Then my mind teemed with thoughts: Why, Christ is not a normal civilian. He wears a splendid robe and everybody must see he is Christ, simply by his face, eyes and figure. What childish notions. All is quite different here. Luminous Christ who will take at the Last Judgment into the heaven all the Christians who just have this religious label – this is really a fancy for children, or better to say – for morally spoilt children who wish to live just a play, and Christ has to be the grandest and the most celebrated spectacle of all this theatre. Oh, dear!
Besides, perhaps that youth may not have been necessarily Christ. Anyway, he must have been someone who had experienced the mystical death that I was passing through at that moment, because he woke me just in time, also three days later, after the tempests of the great realization during which I had been burnt out and deprived of all human nature (dehumanised). And why did he not do much fuss about it? If he had come in a luminous attire, I might not have believed him. So, either he knew it very well or he was tactful. Anyway, I have not yet unravelled that mystery up to this day…
During my mystically glorious time, before the great realization, I used to see countless figures clad in the robe in which the Christians await Christ. The problem about the invisible world is that here is all extremely treacherous, more treacherous than on the earth; one cannot trust anybody or anything here. And people? How can they resist phantoms if they expect only that Christ alone to appear? Unfortunately, I was not "spoilt" by religion. From that mentioned "priest" I expected him only to thrust his knife into the back of my neck and then to grill me for some mysterious reason. That is why I entered the mystical path as a true pagan, a know-nothing, who regards all appearances, so abundant on his way from the very beginning, as accidental insignificant manifestations. And if it had happened that they obtruded into my life, then I could only take them for seducers, if a god, a ghost or a demon. Besides, my attitude was documented also later, as spirits of miscellaneous classes came to show their magic. I can mention only one, a towering spirit that set himself in front of me and said: "I am God." So I replied: "Show me what you know." And so he performed miracles, which I just commented as if without any surprise: I can do this, this also, this is easy, and so on. When he finished his little sorcery, he showed off other spells. Thereupon I answered: I cannot do it, because I am still in the body, but once I lay the body aside, then I will be able to do it, too." As he eventually exhausted his knowledge of natural laws, I asked: Anything else?" --- "That’s all," he replied. "All right, you can go, nothing new under the sun." And I remained without God.
That reminds me: Before that supposed Christ woke me from a certain state of unconsciousness as I lied on a desolate path of the dismal astral world and when my consciousness entirely disappeared, I felt that someone hauled me at the collar. He drew me over a threshold. The Threshold of Death, flashed upon me. And really! I died mystically and that supposed Christ woke me as far as beyond that threshold.
The awakening made better feelings arise in me. It felt like a relief that let me hope the worst is already over. An invisible hand imprinted with a mighty strength some sort of seal into my breast and it occurred to me at the same time: God’s seal. The awful fire, at least in its natural impact, changed suddenly and warmed me in the way that I denoted it "sweet fire". What if I am the predestined one?" I dared to think modestly. But away with such speculations! They are treacherous. They inspire man with a conviction that he is something that he is not. Moreover, my outer misery, hardship of the realization, lack of education that was overcome only by difficult reading and cramped handwriting, all this was a proof for me to be very careful with that electedness. And if thoughts about my capability of budging the world were meddling also into my mind, then it was a non-worldly matter.
I took into my head to be just normal, to look around the world as if I knew or understood nothing, and to appreciate abilities of a successful businessman and cheat (in one person) that I could never become either, and not to think about myself at all. Forgetting about myself made me actually no difficulties whatsoever. A couple of days ago I had to beware my consciousness and mind touching either something or nothing to avoid feelings as if my body should be torn to thousand pieces. Finally my mind became solid, fell off my head and struck the ground like a stone, giving out a heavy sound. It resulted in a relief and strength of non-thinking; from that time on I was capable of reacting to circumstances and finding my bearings in the world by means of mere perception.
This is what I achieved and it determined also my future life course. I did not have to lean to any pros or cons and I could observe everything from the position of indifference. Otherwise I knew: It is still only concentration. I wish it were not. I wanted to live a state, not hang by a thread that sets the boundary line between antitheses. Not yet is everything finished, so we will see…
Now back to the dreams that accompanied my realization. I would like to remind that I look on dreams with contempt and I mention them only as a curiosity related perhaps really to the kind of realization I passed through.
The dreams were partly separate, partly serials to be continued for more days. Some of them were real dreams, some other were visions in half-awake state and therefore in fact experiences.
First came dawns, gales, earth-quakes, eclipses of the sun, running in deserts, darks, murders, fights. What was typical: A number of days I ran from one side of the town toward the Church of Holy Spirit. The church would be always desolate, in half-dark and partly demolished. Besides, I also saw it collapse and a man fall headlong down from it. And then, a few days later I perceived the same church from the opposite direction. It was just wartime, I held the front on both sides for several days, but then it moved a bit and advanced rapidly toward the town. I was fleeing. There was only pain in my breast. I was affected by the horrible portents and experiences from the wakeful state. And while I fled towards the town, one single soldier, a giant on a horse, was going from the town to the front. I was sure he was a divine creature. But still, I acted towards him as if he were an ordinary soldier from whom I expected doing harm to me as from everybody appearing in my outer as well as inner life. But he stopped and asked me about the situation on the front. Then he said with a smile that he was going to defeat the troops.
I felt happy that he took over the hard task that I supposed was imposed on me. I breathed out with a relief and hurried up toward the town. But look! The same church, now new one, stands in a beautiful green. I regarded it as an auspicious omen. Moreover, there was not semidarkness but daylight. I hurried to the town, ran toward the church, the wall of which rent from the top down to the ground. Something sang in me: Divine hearing? --- But I had no time for any considerations. I climbed the church wall up to the clock that was not on the wall any more but on a brink of a plateau; there was just a street pavement beneath me. I tore the clock-hands, the wheels, and threw everything down. Then no trace of the clock remained any more. --- Afterwards I ran up onto the plateau. I saw our stellar system, the solar system. I deduced: Here is Saturn, here are the planets I could not identify, as they all were round. Only the sun that did not shine the way we can usually see it, but was just a ball larger than the other [planets], could be recognized as the sun; the moon, too, was discernible by the typical crescent. Being guided by pressures from within I reached into that system and shifted Saturn and, as a matter of fact, I rearranged all the planets the way I felt it was good and I did it without knowing to what purpose it should serve.
I was in a half-slumber, for I could perceive where I was, I heard voices and people walk outside, it was dusk. I turned myself on the bed and stared into the room, because I felt some unease going on. I was looking quietly, when suddenly a semicircle of dark figures, namely devils, began to form there. Some nonsense again, I thought. And why do they actually appear; they are doing nothing but waiting? All of a sudden I noticed a red devil come up upright from the floor. It occurred to me: Satan! Meanwhile, he was already unrolling a scroll of parchment to read the sins I should have committed. Better to say, he recited without any sound being heard, he just moved his lips, and I could feel a judge in his attitude. I saw after all, that just a small adjustment of my mind would have allowed me to hear him as well. Nevertheless, such things were entirely out of my interest. Too much had happened those days to care about the fiends’ opinion about me.
The reading of the scroll was over and Satan appointed one devil to look after me. It was quite amusing to watch him. I saw him reach about in the air and here he holds one part of the bed, then second, third until he had eventually all necessary. He placed the bed so that he could keep an eye up on me, then he lay down to his bed and stared at me.
If there was something really unpleasant about the whole matter, it was the fiend’s eyes. Green, phosphorescing. They made me physically sick. And so, in order to do something to my benefit, I told him ingenuously: "What a piercing gaze you have! --- But so have I, haven’t I?" The devil looked at me obstinately and nodded in assent. He responds, so the situation is not that bad, I thought. Then I turned on the bed and was not interested any more in any fiends. I thought to myself: What can happen to someone who has been through things worse than death. Then I managed to get my mind into a cheerful state and the uncomfortable atmosphere was thereby cleared.
Some other time: I walked, it was raining and hailing and very unpleasant cold wind was blowing. That is why I hurried home. And there, on one of the houses, which had a balcony in the dream, while in reality it had none, a devil was sitting. It occurred to me: Again this unpleasant company. But I was going further as if nothing happened. The fiend, however, descended smoothly like a piece of paper and landed straight at my side. My nose was irritated by a poisonous sulphurous smell that was more unpleasant to me than the devil himself. I wished I had gotten rid of him. But thinking of some cunning trick was useless. It was clear to me that he could read every single thought in my mind. I glanced at him just furtively, as it were, and he made a very repulsive grin at me. Well, I will see what will come across my mind, I pondered my situation. I was already near the house where I lived, but I did not want to go on walking, because it would have made the situation even more complicated. So I resolutely opened the door and entered the passage. But although I tried to make way only for myself, the devil was instantly in the house, too. Here is the door of the washhouse. Well, fiend, that’s where I live for you, flashed upon me. And the devil, fast like a mouse, was immediately in the washhouse. I drew the door shut and went upstairs, home. Everything was all right, except for the poisonous sulphurous scent I had to smell day and night for many days long. It was real, no dream or something.
Some other time: I wanted to escape at full speed from the same house, but there was a bucket standing in front of the entrance door. I strove to jump over it, but however high I tried to jump up, I stumbled over it in the end. Some filth spilled out of it and reached close to my heel as I was already in the street. And then again, for several following mornings after awakening I would smell the intolerable stench.
I was in New York. I was looking down one street, where on the lowest point [of the street], the day and the night sharply divided. I was in that night and hurried into the day. But in an opposite undone house, in the street I had come from, my late brother was working. I felt hell in the nocturnal landscape, whereas behind the boundary line dividing the night from the day, there was a better world. So I came to my brother to invite him to go with me. He did not want to. Running out of the house I came across the mother of my boss’ wife, who was still alive at that time. She burst into a devilish guffaw, and the roar belonged to me who was seeking to escape from the darkness. The guffaw of hers was biting shrill in my ears as the worst sound I had ever heard a visible as well as an invisible creature could produce. I was silent and running until I reached behind the boundary line of the darkness.
I was walking along the waterfront in the town where I lived. And there, where there was in reality none, there was an abyss in the dream. Keeping up on a level with the terrain I went (hovering in the air) over the abyss. What I saw was this: All the citizens of this town and, actually countless other people were in that abyss and they were running the same direction I was going. There the ground sloped down less. People were climbing up to the top, were grasping at my heels, but I realized they would have taken me down into the abyss. Therefore I shook off their hands holding me already at my heels and then all the people fell again down into the precipice. --- In the meantime it became so dark and that darkness depressed me unbearably. When I looked at the sky, I saw Venus and Jupiter shine up there. I hurried quickly to the spot where Venus cast the light beam creating a cone of light and placed myself in the light. Pleasant feelings then streamed on me; it felt like a kind of relief in that dreadful period of realization.
I went through a park. There I saw a ditch excavated in front of me and a cable down there. However I strove to step over it, I could not. So I set my foot down on the cable, it burst into fire that was spreading both to the right and to the left. On the left side it ignited four heaps of coal and on the right three ones. I was watching the last one on the left. It got so heated that the coal was red-hot. Then a child appeared there, a boy who lay down on it, obviously with a feeling of delight.
I ran in a desert. Nearly day by day. However, I wished to get to a better country. I one case I was running toward a moving fast train. I leapt up on it while it was in motion; the express came into a tunnel and I was doing a "roller" between the tunnel wall and the sidewalls of cars. Fortunately the express left the tunnel in the same moment as I was at the end of the train. I caught the handrail at the last train-steps and got into the train.
I was on my way from the town to the nearby market town, when suddenly, I began to run. I was running through barns and each one caught fire behind me. I was warning the people who worked there not to stay there as the barns were catching fire above people’s heads. Then I came to a place where the road through the market town went upward to a hill. I could see from the road I was on a gorgeous green meadow where everything was shining with contentment. Horses grazing out at grass and a fair-looking man riding his horse that was just bowing its neck to take some fresh grass. Houses along the road divided the territory of light and beautiful nature, being themselves in shadow and in a barren landscape. I intended to reach the meadow. I ran into one house and was about to go out into the fair landscape through the backdoor. There was, however, fire in the house, which kept me from getting out of the house. I took a hoe and started to undermine a wall that was a wall of an oven at the same time. When I dug quite a deep hole, suddenly flames burst against me. And there was a horrible cat looking at me.
I was in New York, standing on the seacoast and looking at an island. It broke under my look and floated in parts toward my feet.
I stood in our former abode and before me an old man was sitting, having a newborn baby in his lap. I could perceive more and more that the old man, myself and the just-born baby were all myself in three persons.
I was in my flat and the window was open like in reality. I felt something heavy, exactly to say, the response of the states I was in during the waking state. Suddenly some gloomy guys were climbing on the house wall up to the second floor, they jumped into the room through the window, fettered me and took me to nearby regional prison where they threw me into some pit in the ground. But my helplessness lasted only until this very moment. After the fall on the ground I realized my inner condition, namely the freedom. And then again I was walking about the town as a free man.
During my confused running about deserts and dark places I came into some room; it was probably a smithy. And here, two men-at-arms got hold of me and pushed me down to the ground towards a smoking bomb that was about to come off. As I saw that every resistance is futile, I yielded to their violence. When the men saw me give in, they fled from the room to save themselves from the time bomb, the explosion of which was addressed solely to me. I calculated as quickly as lightning my situation. So I sprang up and ran to the door assuming that one of the two armed men would block my way. It happened as I had supposed. I ran quickly across the room and jumped on the stairs to the second door where the other armed guy appeared. I lifted him and cast on the former with the intention to kill him. Meanwhile came into the same room the before mentioned girl who was being pushed by a crowd of people that intended to hurt her. I took them all in my arms, lifted them and knocked them against the ground. What remained of them were just a few rags.
I stood at the window in my flat examining myself. It was otherwise dark, but my body was shining in a bit duller white colour. Looking at my hands and feet I found marks of nails of coin size there. And I remembered: "Oh yes, of course, I felt a prick of a lance in my side and the putting of a crown of thorns on my head. This crown is considered the Christ’s wound, but to me it was a rescue. When my mind moved where it should not, the thorns prickled intolerably. I had therein a means of regulation for my mind.
I was running through a landscape and felt already as if I were sort of reborn even though the stream of the gruesome experiences obviously did not stop. There was something queer. The scenery was grey and dismal, but only when I was looking at it with the open eyes. When I closed them, I saw the same country in a new, vernal vestment. "Oh yes," I said to myself, "the divine eye," for I realized I was looking through my forehead. Well, I will not look at the world with my old eyes but with the new divine eye. And I took that instruction into the wakeful state of consciousness.
Now, I will mention some dreams and visions after the eight days of the realization, during the period of the following two years.
First, I was confronted with three Deaths. I was scrutinizing them very thoroughly. They were whitish and each of them had one object: a scythe, a rake and a ladder. They already bow to me, and the tall one with the scythe says: "You must choose one of us." That is too bad a situation. I had a short flashback of the time as I had expelled the body heat out of my body and thus the immortality pulsated in it. But I immediately remembered: You did not want to get lost in the cosmos, going incessantly the way of seraphs, hence death is your destiny. Taking no choice means you will have to accept one of them involuntarily. But there is not death like death. I knew that. --- I was reflecting quickly, without any training in symbolism. The scythe would mow everything – both the good and the merits resulting from the good. The rake means few merits – raking is necessary. And the ladder can be climbed up. "Well, I will choose the one with the ladder." The Deaths bowed and disappeared.
I went in a hayrack watching the moon shine brightly. But the moon tore to pieces under my look and began to fall to my feet so much that I was afraid of being burnt by its glare that seemed to be a manifestation of heat.
I stood near the house where I lived at that time. The sky was steel-like, darkened, and up there, in the position between the noon and two o’clock stood the sun that emitted a dense fume. It was an awful sight giving everybody an impression that it was a symbol of terrible events concerning the whole world. The sky was westwards already entirely overcast with the smoke coming from the sun, and my apprehension was growing. Then, all of a sudden, the sun started to move. It was quickly overflowing the sky leaving just a smoke track behind. That concerned me, too. But it stopped then. Quite low over the west. I was looking at the sky with a feeling of satisfaction. Look! Here is Sirius, there Arctur and Venus in the east. Full moon in the east, but yet it was coming out of the eclipse as a new moon. An exultation resonated in my chest: Will I transmit the Teaching after all?
I was going home (in waking state) across a viaduct. It was daylight but it grew dark before my eyes suddenly. I looked up at the sky. There stands Jupiter, I said to myself. And it was pulling me on it immediately. --- I lost earth under my feet and was flying toward Jupiter. Jupiter was not optically growing yet, but the earth was already tiny. Then it became a feeble little star that was just disappearing while Jupiter was in that very moment as large as the moon. I became slightly concerned not to lose my way back, because I was in the interstellar space. But all of a sudden Jupiter covered the whole horizon and I made a jump to be at once on Jupiter’s surface. I was looking at the landscape and, suddenly, I stood face to face some creatures that were talking to themselves: "A visitor from the earth." I am probably not the first guest here, I said to myself. However, they did not seem to let me go on, and then, I felt that the moment of my departure approached, anyway. So I soared into the space. I did not see anything but I was flowing without any fear. As I looked back, Jupiter was as large as the moon again, and at that very moment I saw a tiny star. Having seen it, everything exclaimed in me: "The earth!" Then the earth size increased as if at a blow, compared to the diminishing of the Jupiter, so much that it filled the whole horizon. And what was so strange about it? Many years later, as I came to know laws of visibility of celestial bodies, I found out that the enlarging of Jupiter and the diminishing of the earth was objectively correct then. And the fact that I did not mind seeing the earth from Jupiter as a star on/in the dark sky/heaven, when it is literally flooded with the sunshine? I have travelled through the space several times in that way, so I know: In the dimension, in which I can travel like this, the sun does not shine. It is as dark a ball as any other celestial body; its physical glare does not influence the astral light.
I was in China, where I found myself in the garden of a house inhabited by some sage, whose heir I should become. As I entered the building, however, I could not find anybody there, either the sage, for he was invisible and, as I learned from an inspiration, he occupied all the house’s premises. Subsequently those premises received me very favourably and then I settled in the house to stay permanently.
From the north down, from the Polar Regions, a water wave reaching up to the sky was moving to our countries and was inundating all lands and continents. I got into that sea also, but it was no problem for me to walk on the seabed and to breathe as usually, without any troubles. Later on I found myself on a new mainland that had emerged from the immense ocean.
I was in the southern Siberia and was about to jump into Tibet. Hereupon I took off from the ground and was flowing over the Gobi desert, where I could see oasis in which the mystics that I knew and who were attached to the world were working. They were digging the ground and were under severe strain, while I was flying through the space and then landed on the northern border of Tibet, in a beautiful oasis, where a lot of fruits grew, which promised to live without working physically, but just to devote myself to yoga. – The most interesting thing about that dream was that I had no geographical knowledge of that sort whatsoever at that time. That is why I could not, after awakening, bring into harmony the southern Siberia, the Gobi desert and Tibet, and therefore I could not get the point of the dream. The meaning of it was made clear to me as late as several years later as I learned that those three regions are geographically connected.
I talked about dreams and dreamlike visions. And it occurs to me at this occasion: Psychoanalyst doctor Freud, what do you think, are all those dreams and visions mere manifestations of the sexual complex? I cannot but claim that the psychoanalytical science is just a very narrow subjective doctrine, so good only for dilettantes.
The eight awful days were over. The deadly numbness during which I became a victim of mystical processes was slowly ceasing and I took control of myself again. It was a very slow process, however. The horrible surges expunging me on the level of my Self would not turn up in seconds’ or minutes’ intervals any longer but in far longer spans. So went into the further life greatly reinforced by reminiscence of my past lives.
The memory of the past lives, particularly in connection with experiences of significant states from those lives, instructs man very expressively about everything in the world being impermanent. As for me, for example, I found out that I was once well situated and posted, whilst now I am not, so that the logic itself tells me that this is state could be changed.
Should I therefore esteem the life in the sense of existence in specific conditions, place and time? I cannot do so any longer. The stream of creation flows onward and ejects by its centrifugal force own individual work of creation once into good and some other time into more dismal conditions. And before the eyes of the one who has remembered that he had been one of the works of creation, so dragged by nature, it is shown that even the celestial existence is eventually terminated by sufferings, simply because it is not eternal. And it is for this reason that in the heart expands a feeling dependent upon rejecting any identification with the condition called "ball in play"; this feeling appears in another sense as the state of freedom well noted by the consciousness. The man simply begins to bear in himself the spirit unrestrained by anything, which resists the crushing jaws of time and, consequently, exceeds all creation and nature if his existence is dependent on time.
This knowledge and consequent experiences bound to it cannot be gained by any of the folks enjoying themselves with interests in their own past existences. There are so many St. Johns the Baptists, all kinds of Kings and Queens of Saab, but on no account the kind of knowledge I just talked about. That is why it is possible to deduce that determining the past existences, which is so often seen among the so called spiritual people, above all in spiritists, is a vanity that harms ethically and is not beneficial psychically.
From the viewpoint of a reminiscence of past existences I comprehended the life process as contingencies on the very long way through incarnations and, for that reason, there were for me no longer people of higher or lower social ranks. Everybody was already on a par with me and vice versa. In reality I saw those "lords" also as the beads in the necklace of merciless Kali who can shift that string of beads in whatever direction she wants. I began to believe that I would manage to get out of this cord. I had gained the will and did not think so much of myself as to give my enemies my body and my soul just for a slice of bread. And I came to know: Both poor and rich people offer for that very slice of bread their bodies, which is not that bad, but they give also their souls, which is too bad. Thus I got, compared to the people, an advantage of somebody for whom every chain the nature would be able to make would be too short. I acquired a distinguishing ability enabling me to peep even into the most secret nooks of human hearts and therefore no treachery could have made me a mundane man again. I realized that I had discovered the Great Teaching that can allay every pain, and thereby I made for a great decision to give or even to force it upon the world. If I have to impose it one day, then it will be not in the style of a pander who tries to propagandise his goods of dubious value, but as a man who would synthesize it with science and thereby load it with a great weight of logic and cogency.
I felt already that I had attained a power, by means of which I could perhaps crush worlds in my palms, and which would surely compensate the lack of my school education and also poverty that was beyond comprehension. Oh yes, I will utilize that power, which can help the teaching come up to daylight, after consultations with God, because I am human who, because endowed with a body, can anytime estimate wrongly the character of reactions. God as the essence of the living universe will know more than I, whose eyes might be dazzled by bodily states.
Then I saw my way before me, winding through dark abysses here and through suntraps there. I was not concerned any longer what contingencies should be connected with passing the abysses, but I realized that I couldn’t anticipate anything easy to occur on the path. I lived in the world, however, but living equipped with this power and this knowledge as an ordinary man seemed to me as eating food that I had stolen from the human race. Anyway, there was no other way for me to go.
I suffered from the terrible processes of the realisation. But at the same time I was strong enough to gather my strength again to achieve a concentration in which I focused my attention, mind and consciousness as strongly as a hawk’s eye. And reactions were coming.
I went along the quay, feeling some pressure in my breast. Then, suddenly, the immense weight of the whole cosmos began to crush me. I was gathering all my strength until I myself became the consciousness in every single cell of my body and counterbalanced that immeasurable weight. All of a sudden I got the impression as if I were on one side and the cosmos on the other side of giant scales and I could see that we both were of the same weight. And I guessed: I just counterpoised the working of the whole universe. This is initiation called "Great Holy Rishi".
I attained analytical concentration, in which I was drawing apart the matter of the body like clouds and I wished to get just more into the centre. Then I could already state that I was pushing apart the mass of the very earth and was quickly dropping to her centre. As I got into the centre I inhaled her core. – There was further enhancing of the power and initiation called "Demiurg".
My consciousness flew apart in the veins and nerves that were not within my body but dispersed in the space, on the earth’s surface. Then the consciousness split in millions of "Selves" that were my own "Self" – that was the way I penetrated into the hearts of all people. Instantly I could feel their animality that I bore so hard. Therefore I had to become "self-collected". I set up a base-point for concentration in my chest together with the states in which I lived in the realm of Brahma. And I felt: I am attracting people to myself as in the state of consciousness identical with God. – Then I broke loose and got back into myself, but this knowledge arose in my consciousness: I uplifted the humanity. – I am not and not even then was I a visionary to believe that it was me who blessed the humans with my mercy, as I am a God’s man who can do it whenever he wants. Nothing like that. I only perceived that the tendencies of intrinsic interests of people so affected by my realizing concentration would be deflected slightly towards God. And if that might become evident? Nothing of that sort. The life cheats us in the way that it alters our ideas only inconspicuously. And besides: Divine life does not mean attending the church and praying until one breaks down. But – why to think about it. Anyway, initiation called "Christos" was received.
I effaced from myself every trace of egoism that proudly thinks it knows, understands, and may. And so I felt like "nobody". I was just one of the people with limited possibilities, because I have submitted and would always submit to the Law. Initiation called "child".
Thereby ended the period during which I definitely attained the real (mental) interiorization, from the conditions of which I could view the life as an observing, not reacting man. That change also related to the transfer of the cognisance from the state of an elementary creature into the condition of an intellectual being. Thus I became mentally well arranged, and on the basis of the former mystical experiences I began to feel like someone who knows, understands and is conscious of being responsible for all his doing. In terms of the former utter tractability to the life and the world, this new situation was burdensome, but I arrived at the conviction that the obligating responsibility springing from the knowledge cannot be compared to the fruits of [the knowledge], namely primarily the understanding of the interrelation of situations with the karmic predestination. Since the truth is that I attained the possibility to choose the way through life and not only to be submitted to the predetermining power of karmic predispositions. That state can be compared to the freedom that at the beginning of the new life achieved by mystical efforts is restricted only by reaction to the tendencies that are inwrought in the flesh of the physical being.
Owing to that I felt being very high over people who, on the one hand, talk a lot about that they do what they decide, on the other hand they do just what they are actuated to by inner tension. This knowledge, however, did not make me estranged from the people. I saw the highest meaning of this knowledge in its transmission, for I figured out that it is the goal where, and no sooner, one shatters the false opinions about the freedom and latitude, which are produced by people who just think they do just what they really want. I saw that virtually as an appalling and, from the standpoint of karma, menacing ignorance that no one luxuriates in, even though he feigns to be happy in this state of his.
I realized that I would even give my own life for the knowledge I had attained, and if I have not seen the same uneasiness coming from the oppressive ignorance, I guessed that the cause of it was only a relatively greater attachment to the world. Anyway, the world was just showing me its sinister face. On this basis I set down such a way to go in the future that all the circumstances I will describe later were only a logical consequence of my choice. As for the rest, I embraced the opinion that keeping on living in the hard life is the most correct thing to in my situation as it always has to do with the endeavour to realize something new in the world. Moreover, I based that idea on the conviction that such difficulties that I saw related to the efforts to impart the Teaching could be taken on by nobody who had already adopted the fruits of the meritorious karma coming from the mystical initiation he had reached. It seemed to me that if I let the hard lot in my life go on, it would mean nothing but remaining in the conditions awarded me by the solicitous Fate taking care of my welfare. Well, it let me believe that it would mean nothing evil as if it had meant in the man going from good fate into bad one. Thus my choice became something light and totally natural, especially as I felt the strength and abilities in myself to overcome and in good sense to cope with any life occurrence, however difficult, complicated or evil it should be.
So, in that consisted the preconditions for the circumstances I describe further.
As for the experiences that I lived through during the realisation, by means of those I got acquainted with all mystical states that can come about in the course of the mystical path. In addition to this, clear-feeling was developed and stabilized in me, by means of which I could determine the progress, obstacles and the way of getting over them on the mystical path, as well as the phase of the spiritual development in other people. In this way I attained the initiation of the master level. What I was short of to really achieve this level was only some life experiences that provide such a degree of self-confidence that is necessary for approaching and treating people. And since I knew the way to behave to gain such experiences, I chose also the life course as I put it in further chapters.